The Ring
by Cyrrer
Summary: Love should be the best thing in the world. For love you can do everything. But what happens if you are not loved back? What will you do then? 1 x 2 x 1
1. Default Chapter

**Author: **Hi, usually I write under the name Laren (at least in my native language) but unfortunatley this name was already taken on So if you by chance know this little fic in german and wonder why it is posted here under the name Cyrrer... don't panic it's the same author

**Pairings:** 1x2x1

**Disclaimers:** They don't belong to me – unfortunately. So don't sue.

**Warnings:** some violence, angst, lime (I realy hoped that I kept it in the bounderys of lime), some dark moments and I was told that this fic get the readers crying.

**A/N**: I have to warn you – English is NOT my native language, so please forgive any mistake I may have made concerning grammar and/or spelling. I really tried.

**Summary:** Duo loves Heero with all his heart. Unfortunatley Heero does not love him back. Or so it seems.

* * *

Duo clung like a drowning man to Heero. His lips moved along Heeros jaw line, trying desperately to reach his mouth. But as always Heero turned his head away to avoid the kiss. An ache ripped Duos heart. He knew this pain, but it didn't hurt less because of his knowledge.

But before he could think it through, Heero increased the speed of his thrusts and in combination with what his hands did on Duos body it left Duo incapable of thinking straight. Only moments later they both reached their orgasm.

Panting heavily Heero fell upon Duo, his hair soaked with sweat fell into his face. Duo dared to lift his hand and shove one cheeky strand out of Heeros eyes. How much did he love this picture of a fully relaxed Heero.

With great effort he could keep himself from clutching his arms around Heero to embrace the boy for the rest of the night – no, until the end of times. Tormented Duo closed his eyes. 'One should think that you had learned not to wish for the impossible, you idiot,' he scolded himself. 'Just be content with what you have, you will never get more.'

He allowed himself to feel one more moment the luxury of Heeros warmth, then he shoved the Wing Pilot away and get out of the bed.

"Heero, it was – as always – wow," he said while hastily dressed. Then he reconsidered. This was the forth night, he could bear one more. "Let's do it again tomorrow," he suggested with a big smile on his face. Just one more night before he had to thrust him aside.

Heeros only answer was, "Hn!" but nothing different was to be expected by 'Mr.-I-speak-only-for-the-sake-of-missions'.

Duo wanted to escape the blank expression in Heeros cobalt blue eyes, so he let his gaze roam on Heeros body. There were a lot of cuts and bruises on Heeros arms which he hadn't noticed earlier. His own safety seemed to be the least priority on his missions for this suicidal maniac. After all it was a big improvement that he did not activate Wings self-destruction quite as often any more. Nowadays Heero returned nearly unharmed from his missions.

But nevertheless, he should be more cautious. Duo stroke his hand on the lines of scares. "Hey Heero, take more care for your skin. Some scares could be quite sexy, but enough is enough."

Heero just grumbled as a response. Duo dared to search for Heero's gaze. But his face was just an expressionless mask and didn't give away any emotion at all. Cobalt blue eyes which did not glow but stared.

Duo couldn't stand this sight. Just some more seconds and he would lose his control. He would launch himself on Heero, lash out on him with all his hurt. He would demand an answer why Heero couldn't love him, why he was only good enough for sex and nothing else.

But if he did this, he would allow Heero to know how he felt about him. Then Heero would really have him in his hands. He would make himself vulnerable.

No, he couldn't allow this to happen. The situation was bad enough as it was. Hastily he turned away to the door. "Till tomorrow," he shouted above his shoulder. He couldn't hear an answer of Heero – if there was even one.

He strode fast to his own room at the end of the floor. After getting into it, he slammed the door and threw himself on the bed. Finally he could let his emotions run free. He really hated himself for suffering. Meanwhile he should have learned that he wasn't worth Heero's love. Should be content with what he got. 'Why am I still hoping?' Duo wondered, pulling the blanket over his head.

Slowly but surely the tears appeared in his eyes. He always cried after being with Heero. He always cried when he faced the truth that he had lost his heart on someone who thought him dirty and unworthy.

Just once, he wished that Heero would kiss him, would tell him that he loved him. 'I would give everything for this,' Duo thought while his sobs got louder.

It was always the same, and the more nights he spent with Heero the worse it got. After tomorrow he had to gain more distance, one more night, not more.

When they slept together, he was so close to Heero, but nevertheless they seemed to be separated by an insuperable wall. 'You are not worth to be loved by him,' Duo told himself for the thousandth time, snuggling deeper into the pillows, tears running free on his face.

He had to keep his sobs at bay. He didn't want his neighbour Quatre to overhear anything. His pride was all what was left to him.

Suddenly he heard the rush of the water pipes. In the middle of the night. It meant that Heero was in the shower again. Duo closed his eyes in pain. Heero always showered for ages after they had sex. 'Am I that dirty that you have to wash me away?' This was another ache in Duos heart. He knew that it would take some time until he had cried himself to sleep.

He wore his ever happy joker mask the next morning. He joked with the others and ate all the kitchen could provide. But he meticulously ignored Heero. He knew it would be better for him not to see the expressionless face of the Wing Pilot. Presumably it would be better for him not to have anything to do with Heero. But he couldn't bring himself to be apart from the youth.

Near lunchtime Quatre unexpectedly descend on him. "Duo, we need to talk."

Inwardly Duo groaned, he really hadn't any energy to listen to Quatres problems, he had enough problems of his own. But then he scolded himself, Quatre was his best friend after all and was always willing to give him an ear. Now it was payback time. And maybe it would distract him for some moments from Heero.

"OK, Q-man, spill it. What's on your mind?" he said with a faked grin.

But Quatre only shook his head. "Not here. I think we should be undisturbed. Let's go to your room."

With effort Duo turned his face into a smile. This sounded like more serious problems than it was for his liking. But he had to get through with it. "Oh, this sounds almost indecent. So, let's go," he tried to joke about it.

'What's the reason for all this?' Duo was wondering as they went together upstairs to his room. 'Most probably it had something to do with Trowa, what else could be on Quatres mind?'

As they reached his room and Quatre closed the door and checked it, Duo had to smile for real. "Take a seat Q-man," he pointed at the armchair and let himself fall onto the bed. "Spit it out Quatre. What's so mysterious that we must speak in private? Are you in love?"

Quatre turned into an interesting shade of red. "Uhm... No," he spluttered.

"But if not, why are you blushing?" teased Duo even more.

Quatre cleared his throat. "Duo this is really important. It would be nice if you could stop making jokes for a few minutes."

"Okaaaaaay, little one, just shoot," Duo grinned at his friend. He really was eager to hear what he had to say now.

Quatre turned even more red. He tried to start to speak several times, but always stopped. Duo got kind of impatient. "Oh man, Quatre. Just fire away, I don't have the whole day for this game."

Startled Quatre looked up. "Damn, this isn't easy," then he took one more deep breath. "Duo, I have to ask you about something really important. And you should be aware, that his is most probably more embarrassing for me, than for you."

Duo got curious. "What is it?"

"Thus... ah... hmmm," Quatre stumbled again over the words. Bashful he looked onto the ground. But then he finally screw up his courage and spilled, "I must ask you whether Heero forces you to do things you don't want to do. Is he hurting you?" Quatre looked utterly defeated.

Agape Duo starred at his friend. His brain vanished upon this question, he couldn't think straight. "What... what gave you this daft idea? What gave you the right to asked such a question? He is your friend too. How dare you accuse him of such a thing?"

"Do you think this is easy for me? But all the evidences hints in this direction," retorted Quatre.

Duo got really angry, he almost yelled. "What evidence?"

"My room is next to yours. I can hear you crying for hours every night you stayed with Heero and him doing Allah knows what to you. Do you really think that I wouldn't hear your sobs?"

Anxious Quatre saw that Duo only shook his head repelling. He hadn't thought of Duo to resist his Questions. "This isn't true. You are wrong. Heero is an affectionate lover. There is no violence."

"If this is true, then why are you crying every night?" Quatre asked again. He wanted, he had to know what was going on. He need to know, to be able to help his friend.

"Because..." tears formed in Duos eyes and heavily sobs cut him off. His hands covered his eyes in the vain attempt to hide the tears. Duo cradled himself back and forth, not being able to stop the sobs and whimpers.

Nothing held Quatre back in his armchair at this sight. With one smooth motion he sat beside Duo and took him into his arms. Carefully he stroke his head and the braid, murmuring reassuring sounds. Hoping that the weeping youth in his arm would calm down eventually.

After some more minutes the tears were spent. Duo whimpered once more. "You wanted to know why I cry? It's simple. Heero doesn't love me. And he never will. That's the reason."

Quatre hadn't thought of this explanation. "What gave you that notion? Why shouldn't Heero love you? You are kind of an item."

Ashamed Duo turned his head away. "We are by no means a couple. You are not together with vermin. You only use that kind of scum for sex."

Quatre didn't understand a thing. "Vermin? What gave you that impression?" unfortunately Duos problems didn't turn out to be what he thought they were.

"Believe me, this is how it is. For Heero I'm not more than scum. Nothing he could ever love or care for. But I, I am a fool, because I love this bastard."

"I really don't understand Duo. Had he said anything like this to you?"

"To my face, no he hadn't had the balls for that. Maybe I should tell you the whole stupid, sordid story from the beginning."

Duo took a deep breath. He knew that telling would hurt him. But maybe it would be good to confide his story, his hurt, to someone. 'Be honest for once. Without any help you would go crazy in a few weeks,' this thought strengthen his resolve to tell Quatre everything.

"Do you remember this mission Heero and I had about 9 month ago? We were to destroy an OZ facility. Everything went according to plan. We had some minor injuries, but nothing threatening. We fled on a motorbike. Unfortunately the weather didn't go with the plans. Suddenly it was pouring with rain. This stopped our journey to the safehouse.

So we stopped at a motel. I don't know why but we only got one room, nothing unusual anyhow. But then as we tent to each others wounds, it happened. Suddenly we lay in each others arms, kissing." Duo had to stop at the memory of that moment. The feeling of Heeros lips upon his own, something that felt simply right, could still make him tremble. He would give everything to be able to feel this again, to have Heero kiss him again. Sometimes he did wonder, why Heero had allowed it that night at all, maybe the Wing Pilot had been distracted by the mission or so.

"One thing led to another and we slept with each other. It was the best night of my whole life. I loved Heero from the beginning and I thought that all my dreams had finally come true. I was in seventh heaven, stupid me thinking that the sex would mean anything. That we were a couple. As it turned out, this was the only night I slept in Heero's arms.

The next morning came. First I didn't gave it a second thought that Heero didn't say anything about our night together. He isn't the communicative type after all. He had woken before me and prepared everything for our departure. During our ride home, we weren't able to speak because of the helmets.

But as soon as we came here, Heero rushed off again. I thought he had something to take care of because of the mission. During his departure I strolled through the house walking on air. Imagining our future in bright colours. Can you believe how stupid I was?

At one point Heero came back, but I didn't notice it. I walked alongside the dining room and discovered that Relena was there. I don't remember what this goon wanted but she seemed to have a chat with someone. I didn't go into the room, because I don't wanna be near Relena if I can help it," Duo grimaced his face.

"So I stood just in front of the open door and heard everything. And believe me, this scattered all my dreams at the crudest fashion. The words burned themselves into my memory, I still can hear Relena say 'Just consider what you admit yourself to. He is a dirty street-rat. He had survived by stealing and other crimes. He is scum. Do you really want someone as dirty as him in your bed? Don't you fear to get filthy every time you touch him? Don't you fear that he will steal from you? Are you sure to take these risks just for the fun of it? I admit, he is good looking, but is this really worth it?'

And do you know what Heero's answer to this assault was? He didn't vindicate me. Oh no, he only said 'Hn'." The memory of this moment was so hurtful that new tears streamed down Duo's eyes.

"But Duo, this doesn't prove anything. Maybe Heero didn't agree with Relena. Maybe he hadn't even listen to her," Quatre tried to reassure Duo. He couldn't believe this tale himself. For sure, Relena was capable of this hurtful words, and she always tried to win Heero for herself. But that Heero should be so emotionless, such a cold bastard? Granted he always was aloof, but not vicious. This was the reason why Quatre had struggled so long with his presumptions that Heero was hurting Duo. He didn't want Heero to be like this.

"It's the sad truth. I was shell shocked, and just ran away. You can't comprehend how I felt that moment. It's not my fault that I was a street-rat. I had to do what I had to, to survive. Yes, I am a thief and I stole because I didn't want to starve to death. This doesn't mean that I am bad. And that of all the things, the one person I love so dearly despises me because of my past...

I ran through the forest for hours, trying to think straight again. But all my thoughts circled around this hateful sentences. I was exhausted. I tried to convince myself that I perhaps misinterpreted what Relena said, or that Heero didn't agree with her. So I went back to speak with Heero about it. I wanted to know what he really thought.

I wish I hadn't. I found him. In his room. He kneeled, all his clothes he wore on the mission spread on the floor. He searched every little bit of the clothes, murmuring 'Where is it?' and 'Duo, Duo, Duo.'

I just stood there, shell shocked. My biggest fears had come to life. The man I love, believes that I could steal from him. He hadn't ignored Relena, instead he thinks the same. He believes that I am capable to steal from a buddy, from a friend. I would never, NEVER steal from a friend. Not for the life of me. But he believes it. I'm scum in his eyes, nothing more."

"What happened?" Quatre asked.

"I absconded to my room and wept for some time," Duo grimaced in disgust. "I always seem to cry. Maybe I could earn Heero's respect if I wasn't such a fuss. I don't know what I did beside crying. But I think all my thoughts went in circles.

But after a while I was determined to don't let this break me. If Heero only wanted me for sex, so it would be like that. The sex was good and still is. At least I have something of him that way. But I swore to myself to never let him know how I feel. This would give him too much power over me. I will never be hurt like that again. If I am just scum, then at least I am the scum who shows the ropes.

At the evening I went to Heero and told him in no uncertain terms how the things were going to be. I told him that we would have some fun with each other, but nothing more.

You should have seen his face. His expression didn't change one bit. You see, he really didn't want it any other way. Every emotionally attachment would have scared him off.

And so it started. We are together for some days. As long as I can stand to be this close to him, while we are worlds apart. Don't get me wrong, what we do, really is fun. Sometimes Heero turns this into kind of sex-marathons. But after all, this isn't what I want to have – ok, not the only thing I want to have.

After some days, I think the most was one whole week, I stop the meetings for some weeks. I need to get some distance, need to rebuild. And then it starts again," while talking Duos face had become a stone hard mask.

Quatre had to swallow hard. He had to process this whole thing. For minutes they just sat together on the bed. Quatre couldn't understand how someone – how Duo – could do this to himself. He had to stop this madness. "Duo, you can't go on like this."

"Why not? It worked the whole time," was Duos defiant answer.

"Because I hear you crying every night. You hurt yourself whit this. What is the gain of having sex with Heero, if it hurts you? You will never get over him like this. And if you are correct and he will never love you back, than it is high time to get away from him. This is as bad, maybe even worse, as if he would harm you bodily. In the end, it will destroy you. Stop it."

Duo shook his head. "No, I can't. I can't live without him."

"But Duo, you told me that you never really had him, and never will have. So stop hurting yourself."

"I can't. I am not strong enough."

Quatre shook Duos shoulders. "You are Shinigami. You'll get over it. Free yourself from Heero. Get a grip on your life. Don't throw yourself away."

Duo went mute for minutes. Thought about the messy situation, analysed everything. Suddenly his face took a determined expression. "You are right. I will follow your lead and end this affair. But this night, I want to be with him a last time."

"And then you will end this?"

"Yes, I will free myself."

"Then it is ok, Duo. And I will help you any way I can."

"Thanks Quatre, I think I will need your help. Be prepared that I will wet all your clothes with tears for the next months."

The evening approached much too fast for Duo. But he didn't get second thoughts. He was determined to end this messy affair. He was sad, because he finally admitted that there would never be anything between him and Heero. And it hurt him to accept this fact. Somewhere deep inside of his treacherous heart he still had had hope.

And now he would kill this hope. But Quatre was right. He only hurt himself. And to end this would be a thousand times better, then to live with this hurt. From tomorrow onwards he would be free again. He wouldn't be counting if he was able to be close to Heero for one more day. Or musing how much distance he needed to rebuild. He would be freed of this mess.

As he entered Heero's room, he found the Wing Pilot in his normal clothing. The green tank top and this spandex, which should be outlawed, because they advertised more than they hide. Duos gaze roamed over Heero.

Amazing, why he was so smitten by Heero? Yes, Heero looked good, damn good. But other mothers had handsome sons, too. Why had he fallen for this stoic, aloof bastard?

He had been fascinated by Heero from the beginning. Always wanted to tear down the walls around Heero. And in some fashion he succeed. The current Heero wasn't the robot like killing machine from the beginning that only knew it's missions. He had learned to accept the other pilots as human beings and not only as tools for those oh so important missions. Heero was now even able to interact with normal people.

Duo gave himself the most credits of this changes in Heero. Sure, Quatre, Trowa and Wufei had their share in this change, but really normal behaviour Heero could only have learned from himself.

After no time, it got clear to Duo, that he wanted more from Heero than to be his war buddy. Soon after that came the realisation that even friendship wasn't enough. Perhaps he could have been content with the friendship, if love wasn't possible. But even such a thing as friendship wasn't to happen. Or Heero would never have listened to Relena's ill words. You didn't think like that about a friend.

"Come in or stay outside, but close the door, there is a draft," the cold voice of Heero ended his thoughts.

Haltingly Duo closed the door and strode towards the Wing Pilot. "Charming as usual, Yuy." Just mere centimetres in front of him he stopped. Should he try again? Maybe wonders could happen? Duo bent his head and tried to capture Heeros lovely lips with is own.

But as usual, Heero dodged. Duo wasn't even disappointed any more. He was beyond disappointment. 'So this is the last night after all,' he thought. Instead of the longed for lips he kissed Heero's breastbone. His hands moved under the tank top, stoke the flat stomach and the abs.

After some seconds Heero did touch him too. Again and again he stroke Duos braid. 'Hn, my hair has always taken his fancy. It's the only beautiful feature I have anyway,' Duo thought with bitterness.

But he wanted to stop thinking. Wanted to enjoy the last time with the Wing pilot. After that he wanted to start his normal life again.

So he began to brush aside the tank top, freed the smooth, wonderful skin of Heero. "I would never have stayed outside, Heero. I have way too much intentions for tonight."

The only respond he got from Heero was of course, "Hn!"

Finally Duo had freed Heero from the top. Directly after that his lips assaulted Heeros nipples, elicited a soft groan from Heero. Every noise that wasn't 'Hn' was a good one.

Impatiently he worked on the spandex shorts. And finally Heero stood naked before him. A sight that always overwhelmed Duo. He licked his lips. It really would have been a waste to not take this night.

He gave Heero a hustle, so that he fell on the bed. Cobalt blue eyes watched every movement of Duo, as he disrobed himself. Duo even took his time to prolong. He liked to keep Heero on tenterhooks.

"By the way. If you didn't get it until now, I'm on top tonight," he said as he moved towards the bed.

For a moment something showed in Heeros eyes that Duo couldn't decipher. But then he dropped his gaze and gave his consent with a "Hn!". This was to Duos liking. The last thing he needed today would have been a fruitless discussion about who was to be on top and who not.

Finally Duo got on the bed. Just for some seconds his tongue danced again along Heeros breastbone. Then his hands took Heeros hips, and with one fast move he throw him on the stomach.

He paused breathing, he loved to watch Heero's rear. Dreamingly his hands roamed on that beautiful body. Duo couldn't wait any longer, he was nearly exploding. Maybe it was the knowledge that this would be their last night what made him that impatient.

Without wasting any more time on foreplay, Duo got the tube with lube that always lay on the bedside table. Oh yes, tonight would be hard and fast. But this wasn't a problem, Heero liked it rough. Only if he was on top, he was very affectionate. Duo always wondered why. But as he most probably wouldn't disclose that particular secret he just abandoned every thought. Only to taste, to feel Heero had any meaning to him right now.

They were spent much to fast. Duo could only choke a "Oh, wow," then he scorned himself. 'Stupid, this is your last night, you should have prolonged it.' But on the other hand, he wouldn't have been able for that. And now only one thing was left.

Heero still laid on his stomach, his hands clawed into the pillow. He hadn't lifted his head since they had finished, not even when Duo started to caress him.

Unwillingly Duo teared this gaze away. He had to stop this, and fast, before he could find thousand excuses why not to end it. Duo stood up and took his clothes. As he finished dressing he allowed himself one more look at Heero.

He always looked so different after sex. Not so cold, or repelling, instead he looked peaceful. Too bad that this was a specious sight. Duo didn't know how to break the news. The best would be as straightforward as possible.

"You know what, Yuy?" he asked.

"Hn?" Heero still had his eyes closed, but turned towards him.

"We should stop this. It doesn't lead to anything at all. Sure, we have fun, but it's over now!"

Heero's eyes popped out. For a flicker of a moment, Duo thought to see utter disbelieve in that eyes.

"You couldn't be serious?"

"Sure I am. This was our last night. It was nice, but it's over now. Bye." Duo had to force himself to go to the door. He didn't want to appear as a coward running away, but he couldn't stay any longer or his decision would waver.

As he had reached the door, Heero finally had found some words. "Maxwell, stop moving! Don't you dare to just run away! DUO!!!" he nearly shouted the last word.

Duo closed the door behind him and took a deep breath. It was done, he had freed himself from Heero. He strode to his own room, not sure if the Wing Pilot would follow him or not. Heero didn't took the news that his sextoy disobeyed too well. But in the end it wouldn't bother Heero at all. Nevertheless, it would have been nice if Heero had followed him.

'Strange, I even don't feel like crying,' Duo thought as he reached his room. Maybe he had spent all the tears which had been left in him after all. As soon as he lay on his bed, he could hear the rush of the shower. Duo couldn't stop the ache in his heart as he lay in the dark for over an hour and eavesdropped how Heero washed away every trace of him. 'Bastard!' was all Duo thought before he finally fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Warnings & Disclaimer & Summary:** see first chapter.

**A/N:** Wow… thanks for all of you who left a review.. I am addicted to reviews and I really like to know what people think about my fics. To answer some question, this is quite obvious not a one shot snigger

So, I hope you will also enjoy the second chapter. And… aeh… prepare your tissues

* * *

Frustrated Heero frowned. He seemed to be inapt to put all the gathered data into a running plan. A plan that would bring his mission from complete failure to success. He just didn't succeed with this. Whatever he had tried the mission still was a failure.

And it seemed it had been doomed from the beginning. It was just impossible to gather the way forward out of all the contraditonary data he had gained. And to add insult to injury he sometimes earned different reactions for the same input. How was it possible for ANYBODY to make sense out of this?

Heero assumed that he lacked competence for this specific task, even if he didn't like that insight. After all he was the Perfect Soldier, he couldn't get beaten by one simple mission. But all the time he hadn't come any closer to his target and all of his thoughts were running around in circles.

Heero's gaze focused on the monitor of his laptop. He realized that during the last minutes he had only starred at it without seeing anything at all. A message from Dr. J blinked accusingly. His mentor asked impatiently why he hadn't received the reports about the last missions. Heero hadn't had the leisure to write them, he was too preoccupied with something more important.

Nevertheless he should find some time to finish this unloved reports as soon as possible. If he delayed any further he would alarm Dr. J. And maybe his mentor would decide that Heero's inadvertence couldn't be tolerated any more. That it wasn't a good idea to let his Perfect Soldier work together with the other gundam pilots. That it would be better to part Heero from the others. Because of this thought Heero started immediately with this reports.

Appalled Heero stopped his work because of a loud rattle on the other side of the big room that was their combined kitchen and lounge. Above his monitor he could see Duo, trying to fix himself a sandwich and additionally – rather successfully – destroying the kitchen. The braided youth didn't notice the chaos he was causing and just continued to put an entirely impossible combination of food on the bread, grinning the typical Duo-smirk. Enthralled Heero watched this scene.

Duo was always so full of life and exert with his manners an incredible great attraction towards Heero. An attraction that made sure that he had to watch Duo again and again. 'Like the moth drawn towards the light,' rushed it involuntary through Heero's mind. Yes, this was a fitting analogy. And suddenly it was more important then ever for Heero to bring THE mission to a success. It had to be possible. Other people could accomplish it, so why not he?

'Today is the fifth night,' Heero thought involuntary. But Duo had already promised to be with him again. Heero still couldn't understand all the data he had gathered in the last months, but he was able to predict some of Duo's behaviour now. He knew that it would take a lot of luck on his side for Duo to join him tomorrow again. And only with rather extreme luck also the day after.

And inevitably after that there would be the dull, dark weeks in which Duo would ignore him. Only after a while – which always felt like an eternity to Heero – Duo would again come to him, to start the loop anew. Why it was like this, Heero didn't knew, only that it was so.

Perhaps these weeks wouldn't be so bad if Duo wouldn't ignore him completely, evade him altogether. Earlier on, before they started to have sex, Duo had always been near him. Had chattered like a lunatic and had been annoying like hell. Oh, how he missed it.

Nowadays Duo never did this, not even on the days they slept with each other. Now Duo was only happy when he was together with the other pilots. Now all that was left for Heero to do was to watch Duo from afar. He almost wished that everything was like it had been before. But this wasn't his decision.

Heero closed his eyes annoyed and felt the sudden pain. Emotions! They were so unpredictable and painful.

Suddenly Quatre appeared in the kitchen. He didn't seem to notice Heero – who hid himself behind the monitor – at all. He went to Duo and they were chatting at once. This gave Heero a twitch and he assumed it was because of envy and jealousy.

He would have loved to be able to speak with the others – with Duo – so freely and happily. But what should he say? He only new the missions, nothing else. And his friends? – buddies? – the other pilots? didn't want to hear about missions in their spare free time.

But he didn't know any other topic of conversation. And his tongue always felt like a dead thing in his mouth when he tried to speak. Maybe this was the reason why he had been so happy with Duo's endless chatter. He didn't had to contribute to the conversation but wasn't left outside. Not like now.

All of a sudden Quatre's gaze met Heero's, and after that he forced Duo to stand up. Together they moved out of the kitchen. Heero frowned and had drudgingly to repress a snarl. Hastily his hand searched for the little bag where he kept his anchor in to abide himself on it. His anchor, the symbol of his greatest happiness and at the same time of his greatest failure.

He was jealous of Quatre, he knew it. Oh no, not this kind of jealousy, but he begrudged that he was so close befriended with Duo and that he had Duo's confidence.

Only after several moments Heero was able to stop this fruitless thoughts. That won't lead to anything. He only wanted to work some more, to fix the reports, and then he would just wait for the evening.

- -

Heero sat in his room and waited impatiently for Duo to arrive. The time crawled oh so slowly. Heero had dressed himself with the clothes Duo liked the best. He wasn't really sure if he should, because the tank top exposed a lot of his skin and Duo disliked his scars. At least he had said so only yesterday. Heero really had been anxious not to get any new scars. The ointment was working and with some luck Duo wouldn't notice.

Unintentional the question about what would happen this night crawled into his mind. At the end of the loop Duo always got rough. Heero didn't know why, only that it was so. But he would bear it, like all the other things.

Finally Duo came to his room. But he didn't enter, just stand outside the door for some minutes. The whole time Duo stared at him and Heero got uncomfortable under this gaze. 'What's this all about?' he asked himself. "Come in or stay outside, but close the door, there is a draft," Heero said more disquietly than he intended to.

The braided youth got startled. "Charming as usual, Yuy," Duo said while walking towards him. He stopped mere centimetres away from him. Then the Deathscythe pilot bent his head. Heero knew at once that Duo tried to kiss him on the mouth again.

Hastingly he dodged his head. 'Why is he always trying to hurt me?' asked Heero himself. 'Why does he try it again and gain?' You only kiss the one you love. This was one of the few facts that Heero knew about love. So Duo had to know them too!

That Duo tried it every time again hurt him. He wasn't sure why Duo did it, what he was trying to gain. Did Duo want to anger him, did he want to hurt him? Heero had no clue at all. All he could do was prevent this kisses. After all it would hurt more to accept this fake kisses and to be reminded of his greatest failure than to just dodge them.

Duo started to caress him, left goose bumps wherever he was touching him. Heero also started to touch the other boy. Inevitably he was drawn to the long braid. He loved this chestnut brown mane, it felt so soft. The hair was so beautiful when Duo wear it loose. But of curse he had banned it into the braid. And Heero didn't dare to open the tie.

Only once he had been allowed to help Duo brush out the hair and braid it. This had been some blissful moments, as he combed through the delicious amount of hair again and again. He would have loved to do it for hours. But this had been before his failure.

"I would never have stayed outside, Heero. I have way too much intentions for tonight," said the Deathscythe pilot. Heero could predict the meaning behind this. He just grumbled as an answer. Then Duo began to move with his lips along Heeros breastbone and all of a sudden all thinking became negligible.

He was so absorbed with the caresses, that he didn't even noticed that the other boy removed all of his clothes. Suddenly he felt a little push and fell ungentle on the bed. All he could do was starring at Duo and waiting for him to join him.

"By the way. If you didn't get it until now, I'm on top tonight,, said the braided youth while he was undressing himself. But Heero had expected this already. Every time when Duo was so rough from the beginning it always boiled down to this.

After Duo joined him on the bed, it was only mere seconds before he was moved to lay on his belly and Duo began the preparations. Without wasting any more caresses Duo was in him and began a hard rhythm. Heero's hands clung into the pillow beneath him. He liked it when Duo took him, and he didn't mind hard and fast. But just sometimes he would have loved for Duo to be more gentle.

Duos thrusts got harder and harder with increasing speed, displaced every coherent thought in Heero's mind. Only to feel Duo was vitally. With a grip like a vice Duo held him on the hips, while he was thrusting again and again, hitting his sweet spot every time. After a much too short time Duo collapsed. Near irritating Heero just lay there, feeling the foreign weight. Then he noticed Duo's hands roaming over his back. And when a wet kiss was placed between his shoulder blades he finally was shoved over the edge.

Laying in the position as they were, Heero could build up the illusion that he was in Duo's arms. He closed his eyes and abandoned himself to this sweet imagination, whilst the caressing of the hands on his back didn't stop. If he had had something to say in this matter, they would lay like this for an eternity.

But as always Duo ended their being together and rose. Heero refused to open his eyes and watch him dress. So he could pretend that Duo had only stand up to fetch something and not to leave him alone. Then the voice of the Deatchscythe pilot was dragging him out of his daydreams.

"You know what, Yuy?"

Heero wasn't ready to stop the illusion and so he was only able to grunt his usual "Hn" for an answer.

"We should stop this. It doesn't lead to anything at all. Sure, we have fun, but it's over now!" announced the other and brought the roof down on Heero's head. His whole world was shuttering.

Utter disbelieve went through Heero. This couldn't be true! Duo couldn't be serious! He had always done everything that Duo wanted, had fulfilled Duo's every wish. Had tried so hard. Why should it end? Duo couldn't do this to him!

"You couldn't be serious!" was the only thing Heero was able to return. Maybe he had misunderstood, maybe Duo didn't meant it like this. Heero clung to this small hope. But even this was cruelly destroyed when the braided youth answered back.

"Sure I am. This was our last night. It was nice, but it's over now. Bye."

Like brittle crystal something broke in Heero at that moment. Paralysed he sat and just starred at the other. This couldn't really be happening. Duo had ended everything, just so! This couldn't be. Not after everything he had done during the last months. Not after everything he had bore. Not after all his attempts to get closer to Duo, to earn his love. Sure all his attempts had been vain, but he always had done everything like Duo wanted it to be! There was no reason at all to end it now. This hurted! This wasn't fair!

He saw that Duo had almost reached the door. In near panic he shouted, "Maxwell, stop moving! Don't you dare to just run away! DUO!!!" At least he wanted to know why this was happening. Maybe they could talk about it, maybe he could improve. If he only knew what his fault was, he would never make it again.

But Duo tenacious moved on. Didn't even look back as he closed the door behind him. Heero froze and just fixated his gaze disbelieving on the door the braided youth had just passed. Duo was gone and he would never come back again. He had lost. 'FAILURE!' he shouted in his mind. Only this one word existed in his thoughts. Shivering his hand searched for the bag with his anchor. But even as his hands clung around it, he didn't find his footing. This was his final failure and he didn't even know why.

Slowly the shock loosened a bit, made way for the realisation what it would mean to be separated from Duo. Tormented Heero bit into his fist. But this pain was nothing in comparison to what he felt inside. He seamed to be made only out of pain, and the feeling of utter failure.

Heero pulled himself from the bed. Shivering he faltered towards the bathroom. Without thinking he grabbed his knife. He was completely running under autopilot. He moved himself under the shower which he adjust to he maximum temperature. He only felt the necessity to let out all the pain. To punish himself for his failure. 'Duo is gone!' his mind screamed. Whimpering he slid down the wall until he cowered on the bottom of the shower.

He didn't recognize the hot water. He hit the wall with the back of his head again and again. 'This is your ultimate failure,' he blamed himself, tears building in the corner of his eyes. Now the only thing that was left was to let out the pain. As he put the knife on his arm the unintentionally thought that Duo didn't like his scars crept into his mind. But this was of no concern any more. Duo was gone and would never come back.

- -

The next day Heero appeared uncommonly late for the breakfast. It had cost him a tremendous effort to get out of the bed at all. His skin was burning like hell, despite the ointment. He had changed his normal clothing in favour of peaces that covered his whole body. Duo wouldn't pay attention any more, but Heero didn't want the others to see his scars. His failure was only his own concern.

His throat was dry as hell, and because of this he only grumbled a short "Hn," as greeting towards Trowa and Wufei. He didn't wait for their response and just searched for a bottle of mineral water and a glass. Then he sat on the other end of the table. He almost hadn't gone to the breakfast at all because he wasn't hungry and didn't want to see anybody. But he was really thirsty. And so he sat there, keeping silent and drinking one glass after the other, his gaze fixated on one point of the table.

A sudden noise at the door let him look in that direction. Duo! But all his stupid hopes that yesterday had only been a bad kind of joke – one that he just hadn't understood – or that Duo hadn't meant it really that way fell into peaces as the braided youth turned heels and went away without a word.

Heero chocked, this was a thousands times worse than just getting ignored. 'Why?' his mind shouted. His hand cramped around the glass, he had to put all his strength together to loose it again. He had nearly broken it.

He starred dumbstruck at the open door and so he could see that Quatre, who had stood beside Duo, threw a glance towards him and frowned. Heero didn't understand, he hadn't done anything.

"What's the matter?" Trowa demanded to know. But as Heero didn't know the answer he stayed silent. Leaving everything behind him, he fled from the room, being aware of the hateful gaze from Quatre.

- -

With passing time it didn't get any better, only worse. For sure, Duo didn't leave the room every time anymore if Heero was in it, but he never spoke a word with him. Heero missed him so much, but it seamed that Duo wasn't able to tolerate to be near him. Only once he had spoken with him. "What are you starring at?" he had asked angrily. Since then Heero allowed himself only short gazes when they were together in the lounge.

The times he had to let the pain out were increasing. He couldn't bear it without. He had to wear the long clothes all the time, because his arms were cramped with wounds, the ointment couldn't heal everything anymore. But also with this increasing cutting he wasn't able to let all the pain out. He couldn't get rid of it.

His usual tasks became an endless ordeal. He needed hours for something that had only taken some minutes in former times. Dr. J was complaining more often than ever. But even when Heero burrowed himself more and more in his work, he just couldn't focus his thoughts. He was a failure in all points.

What really did astonish him was admittedly the attitude of the other pilots towards him. Especially Quatre and Trowa seemed to avoid him as much as Duo. He didn't know why. Sure, first they were Duo's friends and only then his buddies, but why avoiding him? He hadn't done anything wrong, had he?

Somewhere he had read that after a break-up most likley the friends of the couple would take one side or the other and so in addition to the couple also friendships got destroyed. But this didn't fit for their situation. Duo and him had never been a couple, even if it hurt to admit this truth. And even if they had been, why taking Duo's side? It was his decision after all. On the other hand he knew that the others never had been his friends. Maybe it wasn't so amazing that they avoided him. They had only accepted him because of Duo in the first place.

For days now Heero couldn't think straight. Nothing made sense and he repeated the same questions over and over again without finding the answers.

He holed up in his room, spent most of his time there. Nobody saw him there and he saw nobody. He left his room only for the mealtimes. Not because he was hungry, but this were the short moments each day where he was able to catch a glimpse of Duo without getting yelled at for it.

The table was very big, and so it wasn't necessary that he sat close to one of the others. He was able to bring some distance between him and them. Expressed in this way the distance he felt to the others. Half-hearted he shoved some food from one side of his plate to the other. He didn't even know what lay before him, only that he didn't feel any appetite. Just like every other day. He hadn't any energy left at all to be hungry. He was lost in a haze of darkness and couldn't find a way out.

"What's the matter, Heero? Are you ill?"

Startled Heero let his fork fall down. He looked astonished towards Wufei. His question had found him completely unprepared. Why the hell did Wufei talk to him? And to made it worse, he could see that the other three interrupted their chat and looked up at him. He didn't need that kind of attention. "It's nothing, I just don't feel very hungry," he answered quickly.

"But it has been like this for days now. Heero, if you don't eat a sufficient amount of food, you will get ill. And we have to inform Dr. J about this."

Heeros thoughts run like hell. If J thought that he was getting ill then he would examine him and notice the secret. This couldn't happen. If his mentor knew he would take him away from here. And then he wouldn't be able to see Duo. So he had to eat to disperse Wufeis qualms. 'Why does he care, anyhow?' asked Heero himself as he took the unwanted food into his mouth. 'Why is anybody paying attention to me? They ignore me otherwise the whole time.' To be ignored would fit him better right in this moment.

Under great effort he was able to force himself to eat half of the food on his plate. After this he suddenly stood up and left the room without another word. He knew that it was his time to help with the dishes but he was feeling sick. The food didn't feel well in his stomach. Hastingly he run to his room and reached the toilet just in time, so that he could throw up everything he had drudgingly been eaten.

He chocked until only bile was left. It tasted horribly. 'Yuck!' he really hated it to throw up. Exhausted Heero just sat beside the toilet, the back of his head resting on the wall. Surprisingly, he had felt for a short moment the same what he felt when he cut himself. It was a nice sensation, because it was different from the pain.

At least, he now knew a way how it was possible for him to eat in order that the others don't contact Dr. J.

- -

The time passed, but nothing changed to the better. Heero was still avoided by the others. Only Wufei spoke with him outside of the missions. He asked again and again if Heero would join him in martial arts practise. But Heero didn't even react on it, why should he? He hadn't any energy left and only wanted to spent his time in his own room. There he could hold fast to his anchor and when it got too bad he was able to let the pain out.

Meanwhile Heero had to take pills for preventing him to collapse during the missions. He knew that sooner or later this would lead him to making a mistake or that the others would notice. He hoped for later.

Duo was very close to Trowa and Quatre, they were together all the time. Sometimes Heero could hear them laughing. He loved Duo's laughter but hearing it now hurt nevertheless.

Suddenly they got a new mission from Dr. J. They were to destroy a small OZ base tomorrow morning. Heero appointed to do the mission planning. Analysing the data he got, he could clearly see that three gundams would be sufficient, only minimum of resistance was to be anticipated.

In no time, Heero decided that Wufei and Trowa should be his partners on this particular mission. He couldn't choose Duo, even if they normally worked perfectly together. Duo would distract him too much. And he wasn't prepared to count on Quatre with his scornful gazes. So the only two left were Trowa and Wufei. The combination was very uncommon, but Heero invented good arguments to do so and was able to convince Dr. J about his selection.

After he had discussed everything with Dr. J he called the other pilots for the mission-briefing. Silently they listened to him explaining the plan. After he finished he looked into the round. He was sure that Duo would ask why he hadn't chosen him. But the braided youth held his tongue. Instead it was Quatre protesting.

"Why so sudden? This doesn't fit with our plans. Trowa, Duo and I wanted to go clubbing, this is our free night after all. We were looking forward to it. Is it possible to change the plans?"

Heero threw his darkest death glare towards the blond. A mission was a thousandth times more important than 'go clubbing'. "J. has sent this data just an hour ago. The base must be destroyed until tomorrow afternoon. And I need three gundams for this job. These are the mission parameters, there is nothing that could be changed," Heero said in his dull mission voice that stopped any further discussion.

After this he could hear Duo speaking. "Q-man, this isn't a problem. We would have fun together. And we will take Trowa with us next week."

Only now Heero realised what Quatre really had said. They wanted to go out together tonight. Of course without him. But this wasn't the point, he had never really liked to go clubbing before.

But Duo wanted to do this. Yes, he could visualise it, Duo in a big crowd. Duo, who was laughing and dancing to this noise. Duo, who would infect everyone close to him with his cheerfulness. A wonderful picture. And he would have loved to observe this beautiful sight. But Duo would never again share his happiness with him, he had failed to make Duo happy. Duo didn't need him to be happy. 'You stupid moron, what have you expected? Did you really believe that Duo will be in agony for months? It's not as if he has lost his love. For sure Duo wants to have fun again.'

Heero switched back to mission-mode and explained without any emotion the last details and forbade himself to think about Duo.

- -

Later this evening he could see out of his window as Quatre and Duo left the safe house. It was late already and they had announced that they probably would be away for some time. The other two had – just like Heero – retired early. Their plan was to leave for the mission at six in the morning. It wasn't a really though mission, but nevertheless they should be well rested.

Resting, this was a very good idea. But Heero wasn't able to fall asleep. He just sat in the dark on his bed for hours now, waiting for Duo to return. He had left his door open, just to be able to hear them arriving.

He knew that this was insane, that he should sleep, that nothing would change if he could hear Duo or not. But he had long ago given up to search for any logic in everything regarding Duo. He only knew that he had to wait for Duo, even if he was torturing himself with it. It hurt so much to know that he was in agony for weeks now but Duo was able to go along, to get amused, to be happy.

Heero wasn't able to let go and in addition he got tortured by the happiness of the other. As he sat there in the darkness he had taken his anchor in his hands. This time he had pulled it out of the little bag. He couldn't see anything, but his fingers felt the fine lines of writing. It was funny that this small peace was able to give him so much strength and on the same time hurt him so much. After all it was the symbol of his greatest failure.

His internal clock showed him that it was way beyond midnight. Suddenly he could hear two people going upstairs. Duo! Finally he had come back! They both seemed to be a bit tipsy. They giggled a lot and tried to be extremely quiet, which led to the direct opposite. Heero absorbed every little noise, his hearing was perfect after all. And he was driven by a perverted curiosity.

"Good night Quatre, it was a nice evening, thanks for coming along."

"Oh, I think you were able to have fun without me too," giggled Quatre as an answer.

"Oh, sorry, have I neglected you?"

"Hey, don't worry, I was happy to be on my own. Did you have a lot of fun, kissing this… what's his name?"

"John. And yes I had fun. He is a good kisser. This was what I needed."

"When are you going to meet again?"

"The day after tomorrow. He has invited me to the cinema. Isn't it nice? Thanks for dragging me out of here. Ahhhhh, I am really tiered, I think I just go to bed."

"Yeah, me too. Until later."

Heero listened to two doors getting opened and closed again. He sat there shell-shocked. Meanwhile the realisation what he had heard moved slowly into his mind. Duo had found another. Someone he kissed. Someone he loved. He was replaced that easily. Only one month after the end, Duo had found someone who was more important than he ever had been.

Tears ran down Heeros face. Now he had definitely lost. It had been bad enough to got avoided, but this? He couldn't bear this pain any more. He couldn't stand by and watch Duo being with someone else. It had hurt before, but this was an increase to indemnity.

He didn't want to see this. He had reached his limit of pain endurement. Slowly Heero fell on his side, holding his anchor so hard in his hand that there for sure would be a round mould visible the next days. 'I couldn't bear it,' he screamed inside. But he had to accept it. He couldn't change it, it was Duo's decision.

But at least he wasn't forced to watch it. Tomorrow, after the mission he would contact Dr. J and explain him that he wasn't able to live with the other pilots anymore. J had never liked this partnership after all. So he would move away and spare himself the sight of Duo and his friend. This was the solution. OK, he wouldn't be able to see Duo anymore, but he had no energy left to pass this ordeal.

Crying Heero lay in the dark. Cursing himself and his emotions. Deeper and deeper he draw into his despair. Why oh why had everything went so wrong? Why did he have to hurt so much? What did he do wrong? What couldn't he give Duo?

- -

Heero didn't sleep at all. First the long waiting and then his thoughts running in circles. He took two of his pills to push himself for the mission. This drug abuse had to end after he was separated from the other pilots. J wouldn't tolerate it, but then he wouldn't need it any more. He would once again be the Perfect Soldier, the cold killing machine, only fixated on his missions. He would forget about Duo and his pain.

The mission went well. There wasn't any resistance, the Leos were never a real threat. Nevertheless Heero fought like a berserk. He didn't fight controlled and according to plan, but just destroyed his opponents with pure bellicosity. For each Leo he envisioned that this John was the pilot. He shouted his pain and despair with each shoot he took. He fought in a big flush.

One of the Leos fled and Heero went after him, removed Wing out of the formation. In no time he had destroyed this combatant too. After this he turned wing and saw that Wufei and Trowa fought against the last Leo. Not long, and they would beat him. And after this, they only had to destroy the small base and the mission would be a success. Heero approached towards the others as his gaze involuntarily found the self-destruction button. Rapid, all of a sudden a new idea filled his mind. He could end everything here and now. He could escape all the pain. This would be so much better than going back to J and knowing that he had lost the fight for Duo. All would end!

Heero had been trained all the time that he had to take the consequences if he failed during a mission. He wasn't afraid of death, this was only the result of failure. He always was prepared to sacrifice his life for the sake of a mission. It only seemed right to react with self-destruction to his greatest failure.

Hypnotised Heero starred at the button. His mouth was dry from all the shouting, he licked over his cracked lips. The pain would stop and all of a sudden nothing was more important than this.

For a second he wasn't sure if he had the right to destroy a fully functional gundam, but he fended of this objections very fast. It was just so perfect. The others wouldn't have any problems with the rest of the mission, and he would simply cease to exist. They wouldn't have to endure him any longer and nobody would miss him.

Heero longed for peace, didn't want to fight any more, didn't want to feel anymore. He had no energy left and this was the solution. So simple and beautiful. No more emotions. No more pain. No more failure. Only peace. He hit the button.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author**: Laren

**Pairings**: 1x2x1

**Warnings & Disclaimer & Summary:** see first chapter

**A/N**: Sorry that it took me so long for this chapter, but I had too much to do in too less time  Thanks for all the reviews, it's always good to know that some people like my stories.

Some of you said that the last chapter had too much errors in it. I repeat that neither I nor my beta are native speaker. We did go through the second chapter for another round, but we only found one error. For sure, I am willing to improve my grammar and the spelling. But when my beta and I and the spellchecker we use don't come up with the problems I can't do it.

So, if there are faults that irk you too much, please either point them out to me in a mail or just bear them.

* * *

Duo went upstairs, jawing dozily and balancing a plate full of sandwiches in his hands. A deep silence had fallen over the safe house and Duo liked it a lot. Hastily he headed into his own room and firmly shut the door behind him as he wanted to be left in peace. He placed the plate on the bed and truckled under the sheets.

If he had anything to say, he would stay in the bed for the rest of the day. He was still tired because of the last night. To prove this point he jawed again.

'Above all, the last weeks were anything but without stress,' he thought while he took a big bite of one sandwich. And this was the understatement of the year. The last weeks truly had been hell. Had held him captive in a mixture of anger and extreme sadness. Without the aid of his friends he most probably would have gone insane. True to his word he had cried his eyes out in Quatres room on a daily basis. Unbelievable how much he still was infected by the whole messy affair.

But Heero really didn't make it easy for him. Duo didn't know if he should be either sad or go ballistic. It was so incredible hard to have Heero near. To see him every day and to just know that none of his dreams would ever come true. As expected this realisation had hit him even harder after the break up. There had been so many moments when Duo almost had taken the break up back. Because he had gotten the sudden notion that the sick relationship they had shared was better than having nothing at all.

But fortunately he had started thinking and stopped this stupid insane notion every time. Quatre had been absolutely right, he only hurt himself. In this fucked up situation it was just the easiest to absolutely ignore Heero. And so he ran away, like the coward he was. But he didn't know how to handle the situation in another way.

Nevertheless it wasn't easy to have Heero near. The worst of it all was that Heero didn't react in any way. It hurt so much, that not even the tiniest, wimpy gesture was sent by Heero, not the shabbiest attempt to get him back. This proved crystal clear that he hadn't meant anything to Heero.

Sure, he hadn't really expected something to happen, but the repellent posture of the Wing pilot hurt him so much. Showed unmistakably that he was nothing more than scum in Heero's eyes. He even wasn't a good enough sex-toy to make an effort to win him back. He was nothing to Heero.

Heero hadn't spoken one little word with him in all this time. 'Damn it. He has been ignoring me for 7 weeks now!' protested Duo. He started getting angry again and this was not good.

But it happened all the time, he had felt angry just as often as sad during the last couple of weeks. And to be honest, he didn't know witch of the two was worse. But at least the latter of the two didn't let him try to coax any reaction out of Heero, not like he always did during his fits of rage.

Once he even had yelled at Heero, in the futile attempt to get a response from the stoic youth. But it had been vain. Heero had only pulled himself deeper behind his emotionless mask and had ignored him even more, if this was even possible.

The only reaction he did get during all this weeks was that Heero now started to pass him over when planning missions. Duo had almost cried in anger yesterday when Heero had announced the unusual team build-up for the upcoming mission. He should have fought with Deathscythe side by side with Wing. Not Trowa or Wufei. But it seemed that Heero didn't trust the vermin to prove any value during missions. This god damn bastard!

Angrily Duo bit on his lip. Damn, why did he start this stupid, infinite loop of thoughts again and again? He didn't want to think about Heero. Not now, when he finally managed to bounce back, not when he managed to simply be alive. He wanted to get out of this slough of sadness, wanted to stop wallowing in self pity. It hadn't been easy to get himself out of this.

Moreover, he had had so much fun yesterday, he didn't want to destroy this mood. Finally he had been able to forget all the anger and the frustration for one evening and had just enjoyed himself. He really did appreciate that Quatre has forced him to go clubbing. It really had been what he needed.

Finally having other people – and not Heero – around. Good music, something to drink, laughter. Oh, how long had he not been laughing? It must have been ages. He had feared that he had lost his ability to laugh. No, not the sardonic grin that he used as cover but the real one. The one that came from the heart. Yesterday he had found it again for a short time.

Everything had been so normal. He really had forgotten about Heero and the disastrous affair. He even had been able to flirt like a maniac with everyone. It had been so nice, it had build up his confidence. Especially to be admired by others. From people who didn't see scum in him but a prize worth fighting for. He hadn't had this kind of feeling for a long time now.

Duo didn't fully remember how it happened, most probably because he had drunk too much, but suddenly he had been hugging and kissing one of his admirers. And he had relished every second of it. At last he had found someone who wanted him and didn't dodge every kiss. Duo had been kind of fiercely with all this kissing. Had overstepped his own flirt border. Had done a hell of a lot more than he usually would do on a first meeting, but it had been worth it. It was nice to be treasured again. Even if it wasn't from the person he really wanted it.

Nevertheless, John seemed to be a nice guy. After all he had invited Duo to the movies. Maybe he would go tomorrow, it was better than sitting in his room and starring at the wall. And trying not to think about Heero. Sure, this thing with John had as many future prospects as a snowball in hell, but if it made him forget his hurt and his anger for some precious moments at least, then it would be enough.

- -

Somewhere along his thoughts running around in cycles Duo must have managed to doze off, because suddenly some harsh knocks on the door to his room roused him out of a dreamless sleep. Confused Duo opened his eyes. The sun stood very low, so he knew that it was late afternoon already. Another round of harsh knocks brought his sleepy mind into function mode again and so he invited the trouble maker.

Duo had expected Quatre, or maybe Trowa, but he never ever would have thought for Wufei to come into his room. "Maxwell I have something important to say to you," announced the Chinese youth in his usual plain manner.

Duo could only nod his acceptance while he tried to get rid of the last sleep traces in his brain. What could it be that Wufei wanted to tell him? Duo sat up on the bad and waited for Wufei to close the door behind him.

"Wufei, take a seat," Duo remembered his duties as a host and made a gesture towards the armchair. But the Chinese only waved his hands and just stood still in front of the door.

In a way this whole situation caused Duo some discomfort. He couldn't think of any reason for Wufei to come to him. "So, what's up?" he asked a little snappy.

Wufei frowned for a second. Then he directly looked into Duos eyes and held his gaze. "Best to do this plain and simple. Heero activated Wings self-destruction during the last mission. I thought you should know about it."

Duo just froze. He felt like being hit by a mobile suite. He was shocked and all of a sudden his brain was totally empty, whereas in the same second billions of different thoughts bounced in his head. He stared disbelieving at Wufei, eyes torn wide open. "Is he… What… What happened?" was all he could stammer.

"Nothing happened to Heero. The mechanism didn't work. If that's what you are interested in," came the cold reply from Wufei.

Heero was alive! Nothing happened to him! A warm wave of joy crashed over Duo. But this pure happiness got superposed by anger. What was this suicidal maniac thinking? Why was he pressing this self-destruction button again and again? DAMN! Why did Heero throw his life away so eagerly? Somehow Duo had to voice his anger. "And did our perfect soldier whine about him not sacrificing his life for the mission? How did you manage to accomplish the mission after all, without his heroic sacrifice?" was Duo's sardonic reply. Deep inside he knew that he was being unfair. But the anger was so much better than the overwhelming feeling of almost having lost Heero.

"Maxwell, Heero didn't say anything. He doesn't even know that I know about his action."

"What? What are you saying? How can you know about the self-destruction attempt, if Heero hadn't announced it?" Duo was baffled.

Wufei took a deep sigh. "I know about it because Wing informed me about it. I am a kind of control mechanism. Our mentors thought that Heero may sacrifice his life too easily. So they arranged that every time when Heero activates the self-destruction Wing has to get the approval for it from me. Heero don't know about this or he probably would have disabled this additional barrier. Because of this monitoring mechanism Wing informed me about his action today. And it has shocked me deeply for sure."

"Why? Only because our superhero had tried to save a mission with a kamikaze action – again? He does it every time," Duo nurtured the anger in him. He knew that he was unfair, but if the anger would lessen the worry about Heero would overwhelm him. And he didn't have any energy for this right now.

"No, this is not the reason why I was shell-shocked. I was because there had been no reason for Heero to activate the self-destruction at that moment. Wing was undamaged, Heero unharmed and the enemy almost beaten. There was no reasonable explanation why Heero should have activated the self-destruction."

Something froze in Duo. Unwanted thoughts tried to reach the surface of his mind. He shook his head unbelievingly and tried his best to banish this disturbing thoughts. "But why had he done it?" he asked nevertheless.

"That's what I'm asking you, Maxwell. You," snarled the Chinese.

"What do you mean?" Duo protested vehemently.

"I don't know what happened between you and Yuy," Wufei stopped Duo's answer with a gesture of his hands, "And I really don't want to know. But I observed how wretched Heero has fared during the last weeks. Surprisingly I am the only one in this house to notice that. But how should you have been able to see it, you and your two fellows were to busy treating him like shit. For sure you weren't able to notice how he was suffering. And you call yourself his friends! And now I am asking you again, Duo, what could be the reason for Heero to commit suicide? Because his action today was nothing else. Why would he throw away his life?"

'NO, NO, NO,' Duo screamed in his head. This wasn't true. He stared flabbergasted at the Chinese. "This is bullshit, Wufei. How could you say something like this? THIS IS NOT TRUE!" Duos voice was breaking as he yelled. This couldn't be true. 'NO, NO, NO!'

Heero would never commit suicide. Why should he? There was no reason. This had to be a big misunderstanding. It must have been an accident. Or there had been a threat to the mission of that Wufei did not know. Everything beside this was unthinkable. This was the only valid explanation. Only this.

And what gave Wufei this particular absurd idea to accuse him? He hadn't done anything to Heero. Heero had hurt him, not the other way around! What kind of bullshit was Wufei babbling? Duo failed to see why he should take this shit from Wufei. Why he should feel guilty about anything.

Heero committing suicide. HA! As if Heero would feel anything for him. Not bloody likely. And even if he would feel something for him, it wouldn't be enough to kill himself. Wufei had misunderstood something. For sure.

"If denial makes you feel better about this, go on. But I request something from you at least. You will go to Heero and speak with him about his actions today."

"Why should I?" snarled Duo. He didn't want to speak with Heero. Never ever, and for sure not now. He couldn't predict what could happen.

"Because I order you. Because you own it to him. Or just to prove that I am wrong. I don't care what reason you take, but you will speak with him. This is the only honourable way. I expect nothing more and nothing less from you."

Duo knew that Wufei meant what he said. He wouldn't back off until Duo had fulfilled this mission. There was no other way out of it. The anger came back inside him. Why was it him to speak with Heero? Now? This wasn't going to work. Damn! Duo stumbled out of the bed. He stood merely centimetres away from Wufei and gave him a provoking gaze. "OK, I will do as you told me. And I will find out why this maniac has activated the self-destruction, even if I have to beat the truth out of him. But believe me, this has nothing to do with me. And you will apologize for your wrong accusation."

Wufei didn't flinch. "If you think so, Duo," he answered coldly. Then he turned to the door and opened it. As he walked through it he said over his shoulder, "The main point is that you speak with him."

- -

Duo stared dumbstruck for some moments at the place where Wufei just had been standing. He hadn't comprehended all the things Wufei had just told him. Something really had went wrong big time. And all of the sudden Wufei got such absurd ideas. 'Such an idiocy.'

And now he was forced to speak with Heero. Why? What was the gain of this? Heero hadn't spoken with him when they still had been friends. The Wing pilot wouldn't be too happy to get questioned by the vermin about a nearly failed mission. 'FUCK!'

But he had promised it to Wufei, he couldn't find a way out of it.

And he just had started to get better, started to forget about Heero. Why was this kind of shit happening right now? Finally he was feeling better and started to live again and WAMM all of a sudden Heero bounced back into his live with full force. What had he done to get punished like this? Who hated him that much?

Without thinking, Duo dressed himself. He would do this stupid mission as soon as possible. And afterwards he would stuff all the wrong accusations down Wufei's throat.

As he ran hastily towards Heero's room, Duo asked himself again why the other had activated the self-destruction. If the mission hadn't been in danger there really wasn't any reason for it. Heero was known for his maniac kamikaze actions, but until today he only had done this kind of stunt to accomplish a mission.

And Duo couldn't think of any kind of accident, even if it would have been an easy explanation. For an accident Heero was too perfect. He and Wing were practically united. Heero would never be so careless to push the wrong button. This was very unlikely. The perfect soldier would never make such a stupid mistake.

But what kind of explanation was left then? The one that Wufei had been implying was utterly unthinkable. And because of this Duo refused to give it a second thought. It couldn't be and therefore it wasn't!

Without really wanting it another assumption crept into Duos mind. What if Heero had known about the barrier? What if he had pushed the button willingly just to let Wing inform Wufei about it? If he had known that without Wufei's approval the self-destruction command would never have been executed? What if he had staged the whole thing, just to take some kind of revenge on him?

But Duo disposed this idea as utterly bullshit. 'Fine, that's the last thing I needed, now I get paranoid,' Duo thought. This whole affair unsettled him in a way that wasn't funny any more. He had to be nearly out of his mind if he actually considered such a conspiracy idea.

There was an other reason for this. It had to be! And he would find it out. For sure.

Finally Duo had reached Heeros door. He switched between anger, concern and absolute helplessness, so he just stood there for a few moments without moving. He really didn't know what to do next. He took a deep breath. Why oh why had Wufei ordered him for this task? Couldn't he let one of the others investigate the incident? Or why hadn't Wufei himself questioned Heero?

But now it was his responsibility. It for sure would be the best if he did it as soon as possible. So Duo knocked loud on Heero's door. But nothing happened. He knocked even louder. "Hey Heero, I need to speak with you."

No reaction. Duo swore without a sound. He knew that Heero was in his room, where else should he be? Duo didn't like to stand in the hall staring dumbly at the closed door. He knocked with more force.

Still no reaction. Irritated Duo eavesdropped at the door, hoped to hear any kind of noise that confirmed Heero's presence. The only thing he could hear was the rush of the shower. 'Just brilliant. The perfect soldier's standing again under the shower. Doesn't he have any other hobbies?'

Duo was really pissed off right now. And in his anger he didn't care about niceties any more. Wufei had ordered this most hated task on him and he would end it. NOW. And if he had to drag the Wing pilot out of the shower to do so, then he would. Annoyed Duo ran into Heero's room, shutting the door behind him with a loud noise. Without seeing his surroundings he rushed in the direction of the bathroom door and knocked it open.

Finally he could look into the bathroom, but something wasn't right. Instead of seeing the silhouette of Heero standing under the shower, he could only detect a small huddled up shadow through the shower curtain. 'What the fuck?' Duo asked himself and hurried to shove the plastic aside.

He wasn't prepared in any kind of way to the sight he was seeing. Heero cowered directly under the water stream, making himself as small as possible. He didn't even flinch as Duo shoved away the shower curtain. Didn't seem to recognize that he wasn't alone any more. He was fully focused on something that his hands did.

Duo followed his gaze and suddenly he stopped breathing. He saw blood running down Heero's left arm, saw how it was washed away by the water. And then he noticed something blinking in Heero's right hand and without truly recognizing it he just knew it was a knife.

For the second time this day Duo felt like a mobile suit had hit him. But there wasn't any time to hesitate, he knew what to do. With a horrified yelp he pushed forward and clutched Heero's hand. Desperately trying to stop the Wing pilot from this insanity. 'Wufei was right!' he accused himself. 'NO, NO, NO, this couldn't be! But if not, what had Heero been doing with the knife?'

Heero struggled a little against Duo's clasp, but not with his whole strength. If he had been, he would have been able to free himself. Even during the attempt to free himself Heero didn't show any evidence that he actually realised that Duo was beside him.

Meanwhile Duo had stepped into the shower. The water saturated his clothing. 'Damn, this is hot! How could he stand this temperature?' Without thinking about it he stopped the water with a knock of his elbow. After that he kneeled down beside Heero, still holding the knife-hand of the Wing pilot in iron grip.

He let his gaze roam on the Japanese youth, tried to take an inventory of Heero's condition. Now, as the water wasn't washing everything away he could see the cuts on the left arm more clearly. Sure, he wasn't an expert in this kind of thing but they didn't look like the slashed wrists needed for suicide. After this insight Duo started to breath a little easier. The situation he had to deal with was bad, but not as bad as he had thought for some horrid moments. He felt kind of relieved.

But there was something else to concern him. Heero's arms were full of cuts, in all kinds of different healing states. It looked like Heero had been doing this for quite some time now.

Suddenly Duo remembered that he had noticed similar injuries weeks ago, even if they hadn't been that bad then. At that time he had thought that this scars were caused by different missions. Could it really be that the Wing pilot had cut himself back then too? And if so, why?

Heero hadn't moved during the whole time. Still fixated a point in infinity. He didn't fight against Duo's strong grip. He seemed totally lifeless, even when his chest moved as he was breathing.

With one hand Duo stroke some strands of hair out of Heero's face. "Why did you do this?" he asked puzzled.

He hadn't counted to get an answer, but very quietly some syllables stumbled out of Heeros mouth. "Punish… mission… failure," were the only words Duo could recognize.

This couldn't be the case, could it? Did this idiot really think he had to punish himself for failures in missions? Fuck! Anger overwhelmed Duo. But this time it wasn't directed at Heero, but at Dr. J.

Because J. had to be the responsible for all this. He had brainwashed Heero since he had been a small child. Had trained him to be perfect. With this kind of mentor one doesn't need any kind of enemy any more.

Duo had always felt disgusted by the fact how inhuman Heero had been when they first had met. At that time only the perfect soldier had been visible. There had been no evidence that a human being, a teenager, was underneath the soldier. With passing time Heero had lost some of that attitude, but unfortunately the manipulations of Dr.J. went deep.

Duo knew that he would have attacked Heero's mentor, if he had been in reach. Without thinking about the consequences for one second. He would have let out all of his anger on this sick, old man. But even with some cooled off anger nothing would stop him from taking revenge on that bastard. He was Shinigami after all.

But now he had to focus on something more important than this sick bastard. He had to take care of Heero. Firstly he had to get rid of the knife. He increased the hold of his hand of Heero's right arm. With the other hand he tried to loosen Heero's fingers from the knife. Even without a real resistance from Heero it wasn't an easy task.

But finally he managed it and the hated knife fell with a clang onto the base of the shower. With a swift movement Duo gripped the knife, stood up and brought a safe distance between it and Heero. But fortunately Heero didn't show any sign to get the knife back, he still cowered at the same spot.

Impatiently Duo threw the knife into the laundry basket, he didn't know what else to do with it. After that he took one of the bath sheets and returned to Heero. He kneeled beside him and tried his best to dry him with the sheets.

While he did this, he could see that Heero's arms weren't the only injured body parts. For sure, the cuts he could only find on the arms, but Heero was covered with all kinds of bruises. And his skin had a nasty red colour. The reason for this was most probably the hot water. Hopefully he had only irritated the skin and not burned it. 'Maybe it would be better if I get him to a doctor, or a hospital,' Duo thought. But he rejected the notion real fast. They couldn't let any civilian come into their safe house. It would be dangerous. So they had to deal with this situation on their own.

Duo didn't want to tent the wounds in the bathroom. Heero should get into something more comfortable than the shower base. He wrapped Heero carefully in the bath sheet and started to carry the Wing pilot into the sleeping room.

As he lifted Heero from the ground, he noticed how light-weighted he had become during the last weeks. He could clearly see every rib. And he suddenly remembered that Heero hadn't eaten properly. But nevertheless this drastic weight loss couldn't be explained only with that.

Could it be that Heero had been ill and none of them had noticed it? Or had it been due to some kind of stress? But what stress could have such an impact on the perfect soldier? Duo couldn't think of any mission running that bad. Nothing to explain why Heero thought he had to punish himself that rigorously. Something has gone really bad.

Carefully he put Heero onto the bed. After that he practically ran back into the bathroom, to get the first aid kit. All of his anger he had felt directed at Heero had given way for the overwhelming worry about the Wing pilot. The only thing he could think of was to take care of Heero. Everything else was unimportant for him.

When he got back to the bedroom, he noticed that Heero hadn't moved at all. The Japanese youth was like a kind of marionette whose strings was nobody pulling at. Duo doubted that Heero had recognized his surroundings in the meantime. And he most probably still didn't know that someone was with him.

Carefully Duo sat beside Heero and started to tend the wounds. Most of the cuts had started to heal and wouldn't be visible anymore in some days. But the new cuts, the ones from today, they were different. "Damn, Heero. These cuts are really deep. Why did you do it? There will be scars," Duo said while he wiped away the blood and started to bandage the wounds.

Heero amazed him anew as he mumbled, "Duo didn't like scars on me."

'What does this cryptically sentence mean?' astonished Duo looked up. The whole thing got more and more confusing. He noticed that Heero was again fixating his eyes on one point. At first Duo thought that he was looking at the bandages, but then he realised that Heero stared at his own left hand. Or rather his left fist. The hand was closed around something. Duo had noticed this before, but then he had been dealing with more urgent matters. But now as the thread of the knife was banned and all of Heero's wounds were dressed, curiosity overwhelmed Duo.

He wanted to know what was so important that Heero had clung his hand around it the whole time. Maybe he would find a kind of answer to the whole mess.

Duo set on to lift this particular secret. He took Heero's hand into his own and tried to loosen the fingers from their grip. But different to the 'fight' about the knife Heero's resistance was more forceful. With all his strength the Wing pilot struggled against Duo. All of a sudden he awoke out of his lethargy. His arms lashed around without real control.

Duo started to fear that Heero would cause his bandages to come off and would harm his wounds. Desperately he tried to calm Heero down. "Hush, Heero. Don't be afraid. Keep calm, nothing is going to harm you. It's only me," he didn't know if his wimpy attempts were responsible for it but Heero's resistance loosened a bit. And suddenly he felt Heero's gaze on him.

"Duo?" asked the Japanese youth disbelieved.

"Yes Heero, it's me," without thinking Duo lifted his hand and stroke gently Heero's cheek. For the fraction of a second it felt like Heero was leaning into the caress. But then the Wing pilot winced back.

"What are you doing here, Duo? You walked away."

Suddenly the fury was back in Duo and replaced his anger and the stress of the last minutes. "What am I doing here? Damn, I took care of you! You are hurt!"

"But why? Go away. Leave me alone again." Heero's face that had shown a confused, vulnerable expression was cold and hard all of a sudden. The mask of the perfect soldier.

"I am not about to do such a thing. You are going to explain first what kind of shit you are doing. Activating the self-destruction of Wing, cutting yourself with a knife. What's all that?"

"Maxwell, back off," croaked the Japanese youth.

If Duo hadn't known that this was impossible, he would have sworn he heard panic in Heero's voice. "No, you will tell me what's the meaning of all of this. And for sure I want to know what you are holding in your hand!"

Heero desperately tried to pull his hand out of Duo's firm grip. But Duo didn't back off. The fight – if one wanted to call the struggle a fight – lasted for some minutes. The whole time Heero mumbled again and again that Duo should walk away. But Duo ignored it.

Finally he managed to loosen Heero's finger. The thing that the Wing pilot had been holding so desperately fell on the blanket. Heero tried to catch it again but Duo was much faster than he.

He snatched it and lifted it to his line of sight. Unbelieving he looked at the small thing, couldn't quite comprehend what he saw. He was holding a ring in his hand. A plain, golden ring. And it looked like something was engraved. Duo narrowed his eyes to read the engraving. As he finally managed to read it his jaw fell down. Bewildered he looked at the inscription. It read 'Heero & Duo'.


	4. Chapter 4

**Warnings & Disclaimer & Summary:** see first chapter. 

**A/N:** Sorry for the delay, but all this holydays left me with less time to write/translate....  
I hope you like this chapter as much as the last ones. Please let me know if you do, I am totally addicted to  
reviews :-) and I loved every one of them, so thank you all.

I also want to give my thanks to Zanna. She is the best beta in the world and also the best co-author and I  
hope that we both will wirte more stories like "resitance is futile"

* * *

Heero closed his eyes and hoped for the end of everything. The time seemed to expand to eternity. But as several breaths later still nothing had happened he stared wide-eyed at the monitors of his Gundam. Everything seemed to work perfectly and no sign showed that the self-destruction had been activated. This couldn't be.

Desperately Heero pushed the button again. Still nothing happened. Confused he hit it again and again. Impossible. Why didn't Wing acknowledge the command to self-destruct? Was someone playing a bad joke on him? Or was he now such a failure that he even wasn't able to destroy his own Gundam? Heero stared again disbelieving at the monitors. He had been prepared to die so why didn't it happen?

Suddenly one light on the console blinked, indicating that Wufei tried to contact him. With curtly words Wufei ordered him back into the formation. The last Leo had been destroyed, now they only had to demolish the OZ base.

On pure reflex Heero obeyed the command. What should he do anyhow? It seemed that he hadn't detected a malfunction in the self-destruction mechanism of Wing during his last check. This would never have happened under normal circumstances. But he had always feared that his weakness and the drugs would lead him to making a mistake like that.

It was quite ironic in a way, wasn't it, that his failure was now responsible for him not being able to end his failure, to end the pain. Who would have guessed such a thing from the perfect soldier? It could have been ended, he could have been free from the pain, if only he wouldn't' have been such a failure. Heero bit so hard on his lips that it hurt. He wasn't even good enough to end his misery.

Without really wanting Heero steered Wing towards the other two Gundams. It was like flying on autopilot. And this was just perfect because at this moment he couldn't form any coherent thought anyhow. He didn't really notice anything from their attack of the OZ base, just as well as from their flight back towards their hidden hangar.

Wufei had tried to contact him once, demanding an explanation why he had abandoned the formation for such a long time. But Heero hadn't any energy left to answer him and therefore just cut off the com. Again all thoughts in his brain were circling around his failure. He didn't understand why really everything in his life had to founder.

Without noticing several tears started to form in the corner of his eyes. Erratically he moped them away as he was hauling with the other Gundams towards home, towards Duo. For a brief moment he had hoped to never feel this pain again, and because of this its weight was doubled now.

These thrice-damned feelings controlled him again and he longed only for a little bit of peace. Again his hand clasped around his anchor, held onto it with maximum strength. He hoped to get a little hold and some strength. But for how much longer would his anchor be able to give him strength, anyhow?

After they landed, Heero didn't move inside of Wing for a while. He should just stand up and check Wing, check the damages. But he hadn't any kind of energy left. He only wanted – no had – to get away from here. He stared again on the self-destruction button. A treachery green light mocked him, showing him that the mechanism was fully functional. With full force Heero hit the button, not caring at this moment what damage the explosion would cause in the hangar. And again nothing happened.

Sobbing Heero climbed out of Wing. He couldn't understand why of all things his beloved Gundam refused to follow his orders. Had the whole world conspired against him?

In the corner of his eyes he could see Wufei approaching him. For sure he wanted to know what happened during the attack. But Heero hadn't any energy for this. The events of the day had drained his strength. He just knew that he wasn't far away from a collapse. And the others shouldn't witness that. Just like the coward that he was he turned around and ran to the safe house.

He had failed, failed, FAILED. He couldn't go lower than that. Only after the door of his room shut behind him he got a little calmer. Wufei wouldn't follow him into this room and none of the others would either.

He peeled himself out of his clothes and took his knife. He only felt the urge to punish himself for his failure. To let the pain out. Why was he still there? Why was he still living? Why didn't he find the freedom he was longing for?

His movements got more and more erratic. Heero knew that the reason for this was that the effect of the drugs lessened. And the last week's depletition of his energy doubled this effect. But he didn't care anymore. And why should he? He had lost. Not even the thought that he would leave all of this behind him and would live peacefully under Dr. J's protection could give him any kind of reassurance. Why had he not been able to self-destruct? That solution would have been so much easier, for everyone.

But now, all that was left was for him to go back to Dr. J. His mentor would most probably curse as soon as he would recognize what the contact to the other pilots had caused in his perfect soldier. But J. would know how to handle the situation. Heero knew he even welcomed it, that his mentor would condition him again. After some weeks of training all his emotions would for sure be dead again.

Never again would he feel this kind of pain. Never again would he jeopardise a mission because of them. He would never again get distracted from his main tasks. It wasn't the solution Heero would have preferred, but it was the best he could get.

He cowered in the shower and put on the knife trembling. He began to cut, but somehow the big pain didn't lessen this time. Deeper and deeper the knife went into the flesh, in the vain attempt to escape the all-surrounding darkness. But he almost didn't felt the cuttings. And he didn't get any kind of redemption of his real hurt.

He got more and more shaky and he didn't recognize any longer what he was doing. All his energy had left his body. He was just a hollow shell. He could only move real slowly. Like a machine he cut again and again, not because it gave him any kind of redemption but because there was nothing else left. He didn't apprehend the situation. He just reacted.

Hours later – it could easily have just been seconds, Heero had lost his sense of time – it felt like it got harder to move his hand, to cut with the knife. With the last of his strength he tried to fight the unexpected resistance, fight the power that kept him from cutting. It felt like his hand was held steady by something.

For the fraction of a second Heero thought that someone was keeping him from punishing himself. But who should care about him, and why? This was just some sick, wishful thinking. Illusions fed by his dazed brain.

But with his limited strength he couldn't fight the barrier that hindered him cutting. The fading affect of the drugs caused Heero to drift deeper and deeper into the fog. But why should he fight anyway the cutting didn't bring any kind of salvation anymore. And his worn out body just wanted to let go of everything. Why make an effort, he had lost after all. He had lost Duo.

The next thing Heero realised was that he seemingly wasn't cowered in the shower anymore. Instead he sat on his bed. How he had gotten there he didn't know. But it felt quite real so it couldn't be any kind of illusion. Heero fixated his gaze on his left fist. All the time he had held his anchor in a death grip, had desperately tried to hold on this token.

Suddenly he felt hands grabbing him and trying to open his tensed fist. Heero panicked and fought against the intruder. His anchor was the only thing he had. Nobody would take this away from him! He mobilised more strength than he had thought it possible and fought like a berserk, tried to keep the unwanted hands of his attacker at bay. Aimlessly but wild he hit around him.

Then he heard some soft, soothing sounds. Heero couldn't understand their meaning, but the voice sounded so unbelievingly familiar. For some precious seconds Heero was lost in his dreams, was hoping that Shinigami was with him for real. "Duo?" he asked with a small voice, even if it was completely impossible for him being near.

"Yes Heero, it's me," was the answer he got. After that he felt a soft caress on his cheek. Inwardly he sighed and for one precious second he forgot about everything and just gave in to this wonderful feeling. How much he missed Duo and his caresses. It felt so good to just feel Duo's closeness.

But then the memory hit in. Duo didn't love him! Duo had left him! And had replaced him by someone else! Why was the Deathscythe pilot beside him? Why now? There was no way that Duo should see him in his weak state. After all, the mask of the perfect soldier was all that was left of him.

Horrified Heero shrugged away. He didn't want any kind of bodily contact and tried to bring as much distance between them as possible. "What are you doing here, Duo? You walked away," Heero questioned with brittle voice.

"What am I doing here? Damn, I took care of you! You are hurt!" Duo yelled.

These words hit Heero like a blow in the face. Nobody should have to take care of him He was the perfect soldier! And Duo shouldn't see how weak he really was. It was bad enough to admit his defeat to himself, but Duo, no; Duo shouldn't know anything about it.

Anyhow, for what reason was the Deathscythe pilot spending his precious time with him? During the last weeks Duo had made it perfectly clear that he couldn't even bear to be near him. Had pushed Heero away at every opportunity. Why couldn't he leave him alone this time too? In a sudden reflex Heero's face transformed into his old emotionless mask. He tried desperately not to reveal any emotion. "But why? Go away. Leave me alone again," was his gruff request towards the braided youth.

"I am not about to do such a thing. You are going to explain first what kind of shit you are doing. Activating the self-destruction of Wing, cutting yourself with a knife. What's all that?" Duo accused with an angry red face.

Inwardly Heero jerked. 'They know! Duo knows!' But how could anyone know about his vain attempt to activate Wing's self-destruction mechanism? How should he explain that little stunt? Why did they know? And why oh why had Wing not self-destructed? Panic overflowed Heero. The whole situation was too much for him. He only wanted to be left alone. So he pushed Duo away. "Maxwell, back off!" was all he could gasp.

"No, you will tell me what's the meaning of all of this. And for sure I want to know what you are holding in your hand!" Heero heard. Appalled he noticed that Duo's grip on his hands got stronger. Desperately he fought against it. But his strength was very limited at this point and so he knew already that he wouldn't be able to really do something against Duo's force. He didn't know why Duo wanted to lift his secret but for sure he didn't want for the Deathscythe pilot to see his anchor.

But despite all his defensiveness Heero's fingers got detached out of his fist. Inevitably the ring fell on the blanket. Heero whined like being in grate pain. One last time he tried to fetch the ring and bring it out of sight. But like expected his reflexes were way to slow. Horror-stricken Heero watched as Duo held the Ring close to his eyes leering at the inscription.

Heero escaped in the only direction possible and pressed himself deep into the corner of his bed, making himself as small as possible. A whimper flew out of his mouth as it became clear to him that Duo knew his secret. Only a few seconds until the Deathscythe pilot would realize the whole extent of his failure. Why oh why had he not been able to protect his anchor, to protect his secret? Why had the self-destruction mechanism not worked? Why had he not found his freedom? Shaky Heero waited for Duo's angry outburst.

One hand seized his shoulder and urged him with more force than really needed to look up towards Duo. The sight was worse than Heero had anticipated. Angry red flamed on the beautiful face; violet eyes glinted in his direction.

"God dammit Heero. What is this all about? What's the meaning of this ring?"

Heero didn't want to answer those questions and so he tried to withdraw deeper behind the mask and pulled away from the angry Deathscythe pilot. But the hand on his shoulder didn't allow his retreat. A scarcely audible whimper left his mouth. He had never anticipated to ever be that weak.

"Damnit Heero, answer me already. What's the meaning of this ring?"

Heero felt a hand on his shoulder starting to shake him with more force. He remained silent, desperately trying to keep the secret. Duo's other hand came into Heero's field of vision. The braided youth held the ring accusingly before his eyes. "What's the meaning of this inscription Heero? Fuck, say something already." Duo's angry words were corroborating by an increasing shake of his shoulder.

With a quicker movement than even Heero had considered possible he took his anchor out of Duo's hand. At once he clutched his hand around his anchor and encroached his fist towards his heart. His second hand surrounded the fist to protect his anchor. It was too late to keep his secret, but he was nevertheless counting himself lucky to have his anchor back. He would never let go of it again. It was the only thing that counted, the only thing able to give him strength.

"Heero!" Duo yelled impatiently, demanding an answer. Heero bit the bullet. Duo would despise him as soon as he knew about his secret. But on the other hand, Duo despised him already. How much more could he depreciate in Duo's eyes? After all, the braided youth had seen the ring and had read the inscription, what was left to explain?

"He ring was intended for you," murmured Heero scarcely audible.

But today Duo seemed to have ears of a lynx. "What do you mean by 'intended for me'? Damnit, what do you mean with this, Heero?"

"I… I bought the ring for you. I intended to give it to you," tensely Heero awaited the angry reaction of Duo that inevitably would follow.

For some moments it was absolute silent in the room. The hand that had held his shoulder in a firm grip loosened and fell down. Then the braided youth started to speak. "When? And why?" he asked with harsh words.

Heero ventured a fast gaze towards the Deathscythe pilot; the red on his face had deepened by some nuances. Involuntary Heero asked himself just when all the anger would break out of Duo. Again Heero shuddered. He knew that he had to confess everything. Duo wouldn't stop his questioning. Not anymore. But maybe it was all for the best. If Duo knew everything and would truly despise him then his parting would be so much easier.

Hoarsely Heero began to tell his tale. "I had bought and engraved it on the day after our first time," he frowned at the memory. A warm emotion was overflowing him, just like always when he was thinking about these first moments. The first hours had been bliss. Everything had been like a dream. But this had been before he had known that he thought it to mean more than it actually did. It was when he still believed that someone like Duo could love him.

"I was so happy. And I wanted everything to be perfect. But I never know what to say – apart from the missions. I thought that you would understand what I wanted to say by giving you this ring. After all, it's supposed to be so. I am sorry, I wrongly thought that you feel something for me. I knew I was stupid to believe it."

Heero saw that all of a sudden the entire colour disappeared out of Duo's face. White as a ghost the braided youth just sat there and stared at him. Heero jerked away and still waited for the unavoidable blow of anger to come.

"Then why didn't you give me the ring?" Duo murmured angrily.

"I just couldn't find you the whole day long. And at the evening you told me that the whole affair didn't mean anything. That it was only sex, nothing more. How could I have given the ring to you at that point? And why should I? You wouldn't have wanted it. I didn't want to burden you with it, it was more than obvious that you don't harbour any feelings for me and only wanted my body. You never lie, after all. I hadn't wanted for you to know about my foolish emotions, they would have only bothered you anyway."

Again it nearly took infinite time until Duo spoke again. It was beyond comprehension what could happen to something as linear as time in moments like this.

"And why did you agree to my conditions? Why didn't you say anything against it?"

Why was Duo asking something that stupid? How could he have protested back then? Should he have risked exposing his emotions and making himself vulnerable? Everything in Heero had protested against such an action. You never reveal a point of attack to an enemy. This was one of the doctrines of his training. For sure, Duo wasn't an enemy but Heero wasn't able to do something against his trained instincts.

No it was easier to hold his tongue and scold himself that he was so weak to even think for this short time that Duo could love him. Nobody could ever love him. After all he was a cold-blooded, emotionless killer. He didn't deserve to be loved by anyone. Least of all by someone as bright and alive as Duo.

"I didn't want for you to know about my weakness," was everything that he could confess. He shut his eyes for some seconds. "And why did I agree to your conditions? This was the only way for me to be close to you, at least sometimes. And stupidly I still had the hope that maybe if I work really hard I would be worth your love. This was the reason why I did everything that you wanted; I just had the hope that I would please you enough. I knew I was stupid to believe such a thing. I knew that now. But what else could I have done? This was the only way for me to not be separated from you. At least until a few weeks back. Until you told me that you had enough of me. What did I do wrong, Duo? Where did I fail?"

He heard Duo sighing. Had he said something stupid again? Maybe he shouldn't have asked for the reason of Duo's repulse. After all, it was more than obvious that Duo didn't want him. How could anyone want such a failure like him?

"Why did you never kiss me?" Duo asked.

Again such a stupid question. "How could I have done such a thing? You didn't love me, so I couldn't allow it. You only kiss the one you love. But why did you try it again and again? Did you want to torment me?"

But Duo didn't answer, he just jerked away. Heero didn't know if he really had the right to ask such questions of Duo, after all it sounded so reproachful.

"Relena was visiting us on that day. What did she want from you?" came the sudden question.

What was the meaning of this? Without thinking Heero answered Duo's question. "The same she always wants – to flirt with me. I told her that day that I'm with you, that she had to stop it. That I will never love her the way I love you." Heero grimaced with disgust as he remembered that scene. "Please forgive me that I claimed such a thing. But it was before you told me the truth. Relena didn't cope this news very well. You know how she gets when she doesn't get what she wants. She started a tantrum and started scathing remarks again and again. Very soon I didn't even listen to her anymore. I was preoccupied with my own thoughts."

Duo murmured something that sounded just like "Oh, god!" but Heero wasn't really sure about it.

And the next question followed. "I saw you searching through all your clothes on that day. And you murmured my name while you did it. What was the meaning of this?"

Heero really didn't understand all this stupid and balderdash questions. He blushed at the memory of that particularly scene. "I couldn't find the ring. I searched like hell, and the whole time I kept thinking that I want to give it to you as soon as possible and that I have to find it very soon. I was so excited when I bought the ring that I left it at the jeweller. I had to drive back to the city to fetch it," unintentionally Heero snorted. "Maybe I should have taken that as portent and let go of the whole thing. It would have spared me some of the disappointments of the evening. I ought to have known better than to belief in fairy tales."

Heero could see Duo scowl and his face transformed into a stone cold mask. Duo was still white as a ghost and Heero was absolutely sure that the outburst from the Deathscythe pilot would follow soon. Now Duo would yell at him and tie him into knots because of his stupidity. But this was ok. He could live with Duo's scorn.

And in addition, this disdain from Duo most probably would make it easier for Heero to go back to J. After Duo's outburst there would be no more excuses to stay. And he truly deserved the scorn, because of the failure he was. He couldn't even bring his own Gundam to explode.

* * *

Duo couldn't believe what he was hearing. This couldn't be true. 'NO! NO! NO!' he yelled inwardly. 'Oh god, please let this not be true,' Duo pleaded.

But it got worse with every second. Heero's story went on and Duo thought that he had to swelter under all the despair and guilt he was feeling. Could it really be the truth? Could it really be that Heero felt something for him? Could it be that he had misunderstood everything? That he had totally screwed up? 'NO! PLEASE NO!"

But there was this ring. The ring that meant so much to Heero that the Wing pilot had fought for it like a berserk. And the inscription of the ring couldn't be denied. This was a fact Duo couldn't discuss away. This ring wasn't a fata morgana and for sure not a fake.

When Heero told him that he had bought the ring to do everything in the right way, to show Duo how he truly felt, at that particular moment Duo thought for the third time this day that he was hit by a mobile suite. He didn't know where Heero got that old-fashioned notion that one had to get a ring. But DAMN he had been correct with one thing, Duo would have known at once and for sure what Heero tried to express with this ring.

If only Heero had given him the ring. All the shit of the last months would not have happened. The pain he felt when he realized how much he must have hurt Heero was so big that it was almost indescribably. He would never in all his life be able to pay for the pain he had caused.

But Duo couldn't wallow in his pity. He had to know everything. He wouldn't allow any new misunderstandings. He asked Heero meticulously about every event of this disastrous day nine months ago.

The moment when Heero admitted that he had told Relena to leave him alone because he now belonged to Duo, Duo's heart nearly broke. 'OH GOD!' he truly had misinterpreted everything. Heero hadn't agreed with that stupid bitch. And she only had had her tantrum because Heero had escaped her grip.

And then Heero spoke about the moment that had hurt Duo the most. 'NO! NO! NO!' Duo yelled in his head again. Could it really be that he was such a god damn fool? Heero had only desperately searched for the precious ring that he had forgotten at the jewellers shop. And the Wing pilot had only murmured his name because he wanted to gift him with the treasure as soon as possible.

Duo jerked. This couldn't be true! One person couldn't fuck up so completely!

Unwanted but all the more lively the memories of the last month hit Duo. He had to witness again how he had treated Heero. Horror-stricken he groaned. Hadn't Heero just confessed that he had done everything that Duo wanted in desperate hope to earn Duo's love? FUCK, he had really fucked up. He knew how bad he had been during the last months, but he couldn't even guess how much that situation must have cost Heero. 'AND THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!' Duo accused himself.

Slowly but merciless all the pieces of the puzzle got into place. He remembered Heero's muttered confession about punishing himself for failure. How often had the Wing pilot done such a thing with the cuttings and the hot water? Duo slapped his hand over his mouth in horror as he realised that Heero had been in the shower for hours every time when they had parted. Could it be that Heero had punished himself every time?

And all this cuts! Duo's gaze moved over the arms of his opponent. 'FUCK!' He couldn't even try to comprehend how many cuts were on the arms. Or how many it had been altogether as some of them had already healed until now.

And the whole appearance of Heero. Never before not even after his capture by OZ had the perfect soldier looked this broken. The youth that sat before him wasn't the perfect soldier any more. It was a fragile human being that he had hurt unutterable.

The haggard frame reminded Duo that Heero must have lost a lot of weight during the last weeks. This must have happened due to all the mental stress. Duo swallowed as he got aware of the fact how cruelly he had parted himself from the other youth. 'OH NO!' he yelled in his mind. But he couldn't ignore his responsibility for this. He had pushed away Heero cold-blooded. And after that he had treated him even worse. 'NO! NO! NO!' He couldn't even start to try to comprehend how the Japanese had fared during that time.

He had hurt so much, but he had had Quatre and Trowa for support. He had cried on their shoulders and they had consoled him in any way. Nobody had done such a thing for Heero's sake.

'OH GOD!' And the other two had shunned from Heero too. Had let him pay for everything because they believed in Duo's version of the story.

Was this the reason why Heero had… Duo receded this thought for a second. He couldn't form this idea into words. But then he scorned himself that he couldn't be such a coward. Not any more. For sure, the stress of the last weeks must have been the reason why Heero had tried to commit suicide.

The activation of the self-destruction mechanism hadn't been any kind of accident. It must have been the full intent of the Wing pilot. Suddenly Duo got really sick, he felt like never before in his life. Everything in him yearned to run for the toilet and throw up all his self-loathing he felt in this moment. But he couldn't leave Heero alone.

'IT'S MY FAULT! IT'S MY FAULT! IT'S MY FAULT!' he thought. This couldn't be true, but the sight of the small trembling boy who desperately clung to the ring and tried to crawl as deep as possible into the corner in front of him told a different story. He was responsible for all the pain Heero had had to endure. He was responsible for Heero to be like that!

'But now I know the truth!' yeah sure. Now he knew everything. Now he could elucidate the disastrous misunderstanding. He could turn everything to a good account! He knew now that Heero loved him. Oh how much had he yearned for this to happen. The happiness he was feeling because of this was the only thing that eased some of the pain. Never ever would he allow such a misunderstanding to get between him and Heero again.

He raised his hand to pet Heero. But the Wing pilot jerked away just as if he expected a blow. Again Duo cursed himself to the deepest hell and stopped in the middle of the movement. How much hurt must he have caused the youth that Heero was thinking so low of him?

He started to move again, this time really slow and calm. For a short second he could see the horror in Heero's eyes. "Shooo, please. I wont harm you. Everything is going to be alright," he tried to calm the Japanese youth. His hand had reached Heero's face and started to stroke soothingly. "Everything is going to be alright, Heero," he repeated again and again.

"What are you doing, Duo?" Heero asked with fragile voice.

Duo sighed deeply. Now it was high time to clarify every dishevelment. "Heero, nothing is as it seems. It was only a big misunderstanding. One big, bad, horrible misunderstanding. And I'm so sorry."

Heero's cobalt blue eyes flew wide open in shock. "A misunderstanding?" he asked doubtfully.

Duo could only nod. For some precious seconds he enjoyed the close contact to Heero and asked himself just when he would be able to held his love in his arms again. This aspiration wasn't as absurd as it had been merely hours ago.

"Yes, Heero. It was just a fucked of misunderstanding. You see, I just got something wrong." Duo swallowed deeply. Yes, he was responsible for all this misery but nevertheless it wasn't easy to acknowledge this and couch it into words. "I heard what Relena said to you this day. She said some very bad things about me and she mocked my past. And she asked you if you weren't afraid that I would rob you when you took someone like me into your bed."

Heero wanted to say something, but Duo stopped him before he could start. He didn't want to get interrupted; he wanted to confess everything as soon as possible. "You see I didn't know that you weren't even listening to her. For me it looked like you agreed with her. And afterwards… afterwards I caught you when you searched your clothes. During this you murmured my name. It looked as if you were thinking that I had stolen something from you. This really hurt me deeply. You have to understand that. I was so hurt, and because of this hurt I told you in the evening that I only wanted sex from you. I just wanted to protect myself with this. I am so sorry, I really am. Nothing of this should have happened. It was just one bloody misunderstanding."

With every sentence Duo spoke Heero's eyes seemed to get colder. Duo could understand that the Wing pilot was angry but this coldness left him uncomfortable.

"Only a misunderstanding? You thought that I think of you as a thief. THIS is the reason for everything??? But you told me that you only wanted sex, nothing more. What's to misunderstand in this sentence?"

"Heero, that just wasn't all the truth. I want more from you than sex. Damn a hell of a lot more, because I care for you. I care a lot, I love you."

"You never lie, Duo, how could it be that the things you told me that night aren't true? How could you say something different now? What's the truth and what's the lie?"

Duo got more and more desperate. How could he make Heero see that 'not lying' didn't necessarily mean that one had to tell the whole truth? How to explain that if someone omits something it wasn't lying? Heero thought like a machine. He only knew the 'correct' and 'wrong', the 'black' and 'white' of his missions. Heero didn't knew that there were millions of grey shades when people life together.

"Heero, I was so hurt. I didn't want to lose my face, that's why I told you that story. And it wasn't a full lie. Because I just didn't tell you that I want more of you that I care for you. If only I had known that you felt the same. Nothing of this would have happened. Oh please, please understand. I didn't want to hurt you. I just wanted to protect myself."

"Protect? Against what?" Heero asked with a bitter voice.

"It hurt so much to think that you believed me to be a thief. We are friends and I would never rob a friend. This is dishonourable. I thought that you took me for scum. It hurt so much and I just didn't want to get more hurt. That's the reason why I told you these things in the evening. Please, I didn't know that I was wrong. Please!"

Heero jerked his head away and Duo's hand fell like a dead weight on the blanket. "You didn't want to get hurt? Because of the suspicion to be a thief? Duo, you are a thief! You are the first one to admit it. How could such a suspicion possibly hurt you?"

Duo considered very hard how he could bring Heero to see that there was a big difference between 'robbing a stranger to not starve or to accomplish a mission' and 'robbing a friend'. This was one of the holiest laws of the street. If someone were to rob his friends he was already dead.

But before Duo could say a thing, Heero spoke on, "When we first met you shot me, twice! And we became friends despite that fact. I loved you nevertheless. But then you just misunderstand something and because of this you start to lie? How should I know that you are not lying now? How could I ever be sure of anything again?"

Heero seemed to be angry. Duo hadn't thought that this would happen. He thought that now with the misunderstanding straightened out they could reconcile. They loved each other after all. Now that they knew this fact they should move on.

"Heero, just try to understand. You have never lived on the streets. This false accusation was the most awful thing anyone could think of me. It hurt so much. And because of this hurt I said these stupid things. It wasn't the full truth and I apologize. But please understand I just wanted to protect myself. And please believe me when I tell you that I love you. That's no lie," he raised his hand again, wanted to touch Heero's face.

With a fast movement Heero slapped the hand away. A storm of emotions – more than Duo had ever thought possible – ran over Heero's face. "You didn't want to get hurt again? And that gave you the right to hurt me? Do you know how much I suffered because of this?" Heero's gaze moved over his scarred arms. "It was beyond all bearing. I had to cut myself to let out some of the hurt. I had to punish myself for the failure I was. I needed the physical pain so that I could bear the mental one. After all, physical pain I could take. But you didn't want to get hurt?"

Duo swallowed hard as he looked at the scars and heard the accusing words. He was responsible. He knew that already. But he had hoped that he could excuse himself more easily. "Heero, please, you just don't understand…" he tried to say.

Heero cut in angrily. Duo was astonished how much energy the defeated Japanese suddenly had. "NO! It's only you who don't understand, Duo! I have done everything you wanted. And you treated me like shit for that. You treated me as if I was some kind of sex-toy. But I tried so hard. I gave everything to you I could. Did everything to get your approval. And I never had a chance to begin with because you didn't want to get hurt! I bear so much for you, but you pushed me away. Why did you do THAT, if you really love me? Why did you throw me away?"

'DAMN, DAMN, DAMN.' This got more and more complicated. "I did suffer too, Heero! I was so wretched; I just couldn't stand to be so close and still so far away from you. It nearly killed me. I thought you didn't love me back! Please Heero, lets stop speaking about this stupid mistake. We both suffered, but please we love each other. Bury the pain. Let's get happy together."

"What do you know about pain?" Heero shouted angrily. "Do you even know how I felt on that evening? First you used me then you threw me away as if I was a broken toy. Without giving me a chance. I didn't even now why you broke up. And then the days after that evening. You treated me like a leper. At the mere sight of me you ran away. Could you understand how much this hurt ME? And the others, they got infected by you. Nobody spoke with me. I was totally isolated. I only had my pain left. Could you imagine that? Could you imagine how much I must have been hurt before I started to believe that death was better than this situation? Yes, I was on the verge to kill myself, Duo. I couldn't stand living any longer. I just wanted peace. So don't you dare tell me that you got hurt too! YOU HAD FRIENDS! All I got was your disdain!"

Duo arched under the accusations of his opponent. Every word hit like a whip, cutting deep. But he deserved this. He had hurt the Wing pilot to no end. "Please Heero. Please forgive me. It will never happen again, I promise. I'm going to make everything right if only you will give me a second chance. Please."

With great shock Duo saw that suddenly all the emotions left Heero's face. Only the stone-cold soldier mask was left, the mask he had always hated. "No Duo. I don't want this any more. I don't want this pain ever again. Emotions are just a torment. It would have been better if I never had had them. Dr. J was right all along with his training. I never should have had any emotions. And I don't want them any more."

Duo whimpered, this couldn't be what Heero really wanted, could it? 'OH PLEASE NO!' he begged in his mind. "Heero, please," he tried once more to reach the pilot of Wing.

But the Japanese just stared at him with cold eyes. "All the time I did as you ordered. Now it's my turn to decide. It's over Duo. No more emotions. No more pain. I'll go back to J. I'm not good with other people. I'm not good for dealing with emotions. I've learned that much. I don't love you any more, Duo!"

Horror-stricken Duo could see that Heero moved his left fist away from his heart. Then the Japanese opened the fist and just as if in slow motion Duo could see the ring falling on the bed. This gesture showed Heero's judgement over him more than thousand words could do. He had hurt Heero that much.

And Duo couldn't even resent this sentence. Heero must have been afflicted a lot. He had all the right in the world to get angry at Duo. 'It's my fault!' Duo castigated himself. He had fucked up real bad. And Heero had paid for it. In comparison his own hurt looked trivial.

No way that he could ever make up for that damage he had caused. His thoughts were running in his head. Desperately he searched for a way to coax Heero to stay. This couldn't be the end, Heero couldn't go back to Dr. J. Duo knew that Heero's mentor would kill every emotion in the Wing pilot, only the stone-cold killer machine, the perfect soldier would be left.

Sure, Heero was hurt, but this wasn't any solution. Duo was willing to do everything to ease Heero's pain. But he couldn't think of anything to stop him. And he couldn't force him to not go to Dr. J. This would worsen the situation even more.

Desperately he leaned forward, both his hands resting on the blanket. He brought his face as close to Heero's as possible. "Please, Heero, I beg you. Don't throw everything away. Please give me a second chance."

But Heero just shook his head disquietly and pointed with his hand towards the door. "I want you to go, Maxwell," he said coldly.

Duo swallowed. He had lost. Heero's verdict was definite. He knew that words wouldn't change anything in Heero right now. No matter what he would say. There was only one thing left to do. With a sigh he stood and prowled out of the room. Cursing himself to the deepest hell.


	5. chapter 5

**Warnings & Disclaimer & Summary:** see first chapter.

**A/N**: so, here it is, the last chapter of 'the ring'. I hope you'll enjoy it. Maybe I could get tempted to translate more of my stories into english. We will see. Your reviews could help a lot for me to make this decision snigger they are the fuel that make my writing motor work :-)

* * *

After the event Duo didn't know how he managed to reach his own room without collapsing. He couldn't remember any detail of his moving. He was so preoccupied with repeating the whole incident in his head over and over again. To realize how much guilt he had burdened himself with. This time he really fucked off. He never had been this deep in shit.

His hands trembled when he slammed the door shut behind him. Then he threw himself onto his bed. Automatically he griped his cushion and buried his face – wet with shed tears – into it. 'I'm such a jerk,' he castigated himself. 'How could I do such a stupid thing? Damn I've lost Heero!'

Slowly but surly did he realize what just had happened. And even beside the fact that he couldn't truly grasp why everything had went downhill – and for sure he couldn't comprehend how in the world he had been able to hurt Heero to that extent – he nevertheless realized that Heero was now out of reach. If it had been his own decision, he would never have left Heero's room! He would still be there, down on his knees begging for a second chance.

But some of the things Heero had told him had actually penetrated his brain. And he had understood that it weren't his wishes that were important or to come true. This time Heero was the one to take the decision and all what was left for him was to accept whatever the final verdict was. And Heero didn't want to see him at this moment. Duo could understand it perfectly. 'If I were in Heero's place I also wouldn't want to see me.'

Duo could only hope that this sentence wasn't the final decision. That Heero would change this horrible verdict. 'I would be happy if he at least wont go back to J. Even if he never wants to be near me ever again. I could live with that if need be. But he shouldn't give up on being human. He shouldn't become that emotionless killer machine again.'

But right now, all his urging and begging would fall on death ears and make the whole thing even worse. For a short moment he had thought about asking one of the other pilots for help. Maybe one of the others could convince Heero to stay. And maybe things wouldn't look so bad when Heero had had some time to think about everything.

But Duo had abandoned this idea real fast. He realized that most probably Heero didn't want to see any of the other pilots too. They also had hurt the Wing pilot with their behaviour. 'And this is also my fault!' Maybe Heero would have accepted Wufei's consulting, but Duo didn't want to risk a failure. Moreover, Heero would most probably have been gone already before Duo had been able to explain everything to Wufei.

And so Duo had put all his eggs in one basket. In the desperate hope to convince Heero on staying. 'But be honest with yourself, Duo. The chances for this to happen are very low,' Duo snorted in his thoughts. Anyhow the only thing left was to hope for some kind of miracle.

As he lay hoping and sobbing on his bed all this thoughts kept running around in circles. He tried so desperately to understand how all this mess could have happened. 'How could I have been this damn stupid???' Oh god, he should have noticed what was going on. Damn he should have known that Heero would never think in this way of him. And even if he did, he would have told it face to face. But this notion had hurt him so deeply. So he had done what he always did when he couldn't deal with something: run and hide. This time behind a lie. A lie that led to the worst catastrophe he could think of. 'Why the hell didn't I open my mouth and ask him what the talk with Relena was about?' he snorted loud. Everything would have changed for the better. For a brief moment he even asked why Heero never had said anything. But then he scolded himself. He couldn't put the blame on someone else. Not this time.

Because this time he was the only one to blame. Heero couldn't have said anything anyway. Heero who always took everything literally. Heero who only knew 'black or white'. 'FUCK. I should have recognized that he would see it this way. Heero knows that I never lie. And so he took my brave words from that evening literally.' And after that the Wing Pilot had put a good face on the matter. Duo realized that it had always been him who had decided how their meetings had to be. Heero always had nodded in acceptance and bore Duo's ideas. And it had never occurred to him how out of character this behaviour had been for the Wing pilot. On the contrary, he had welcomed that Heero didn't make a fuss.

'OH GOD! I treated him like dirt. No wonder that he won't forgive me.' Angry with himself Duo's hand curled into a fist and he hit his bed with it again and again. "First you used me, then you threw me away!" sounded one of the worst reproaches from Heero in his ears. Hell yes. It had been like this on the evening of their break-up. And guess who had gone to Quatre and Trowa for comfort afterwards? He had cried like hell and the two had done their best to bolster him.

Shinigami's curse had struck again. 'I kill everything I love!' Ok, in fact he hadn't really killed the person he loved, not this time, but it had been very close with Heero's suicide attempt. And he had effectively killed everything that could have been between them. And if Heero was to go through with his insane idea to go back to J. for retraining then he would be responsible for killing Heero's emotions. 'It would have been better to kill him instead. At least it would have been honest.'

Duo held the cushion near. The more time went by, the more likely Heero would really go back to J. To be this kind of helpless, to just be able to wait for a miracle to happen was almost more than Duo could bear. Duo hated waiting. But he took it as small part of his punishment. All that was left for him was to hope.

* * *

Suddenly the door slammed open. Duo lifted his head from the cushion and turned to the entrance. He wiped the tears away form the corner of his eyes and could see Heero reaching the bed with a few fast steps. Cobalt blue eyes flashed stone cold. "Where. Is. It." Heero spoke with his emotionless mission-voice. The Wing pilot had threatened uncountable OZ-soldiers with their death with exactly this particular tone.

But just before Duo could react, the Japanese started to speak again. "Give it back to me at once," with a blank expression on his face he looked down on Duo.

Duo freed himself from the cushions and tried to sit up, tried to bring himself on the same level as the face of his opponent. "What do you want, Heero?" Duo's thoughts kept running at lightning speed. He almost hadn't hoped for Heero to come to him. Now he really had to do everything in the right way. He couldn't allow himself another fatal error. Not anymore.

"I want it back, Duo. I know that you are the one who took it. I searched everywhere; it's not in my room anymore. Give it back to me, you little thief."

Despite the weight of his words and the glint in his eyes Heero's whole composure was way too calm for Duo's liking. The Wing pilot had withdrawn himself behind his 'perfect soldier mask' once again. If there were to be any chance at all Duo had to tear down this wall around Heero. He knew that this wasn't easy and could be dangerous. 'I only hope that I'm about to do the right thing,' Duo prayed in his mind. "You have to precisely tell me what you want, Heero!"

Suddenly Heero's hand snapped ahead and caught Duo's t-shirt and tossed him a bit. "I want my ring back. You stole it and you will give it back to me right now. Or I will kill you."

Inwardly Duo trembled because of the exertion, but outwardly he didn't give away any sign of nervousness. And he tried very hard not to think about how important all of this was. "Why would you want it back, Yuy? A few minutes ago you told me that this ring doesn't mean anything to you any more, you threw it away. Or did you forget this little detail?"

Heero stiffened during this declaration. He also stopped the tossing. His stone-cold gaze landed on Duo. "This is not of your concern, Maxwell. The ring is my property. I can do with it whatever I want. And I want it back."

Every normal combatant would have been petrified with horror – or would have taken flight – after this stone-cold announcement. But Duo didn't even flinch. With a fast movement he slapped Heero's hand away. "No, I won't give it back to you, Heero. The ring is mine now. There is my name engraved in it too. You wanted to present it to me. And you have thrown it away. So it don't belong to you anymore!"

Duo recognized that he had rattled Heero with his actions. The Wing pilot frowned in confusion. "That's not true. It doesn't belong to you. It's still my property. And I want it back."

"Heero, you said mere moments ago, that you don't have any emotions any more and never want any back. You said that you don't love me any more. Why on earth should you want this ring back? That isn't logical. You have to admit that. If you really want this ring back you have to give me a good enough reason or it will be mine."

After some seconds of indecisions, where the deep frown on Heero's forehead got deeper, Heero answered. "It has no meaning for me, basically. But this ring is my property, that's why I want it back. You have no claim on it."

"Then I wont give it to you."

"But why?" Honest surprise could be identified in the voice of the Japanese.

"It may be meaningless for you. But it means a lot – EVERYTHING – to me!" Duo shoved his left hand directly in front of Heero's face. The small golden band could be seen on his ring finger. "For you to get this ring back you have to cut it from my cold, dead hand!"

Heero's eyes got big as saucers and for a brief moment his mask was about to crumble down. He stared in utter disbelieve at Duo's hand. The words that Duo had said right now seemed to make their way into Heero's brain, but he still couldn't understand what Duo really meant. "Why?" he asked again

Duo swallowed hard. He had put all the eggs in one basket and had gambled with high stakes. Now he needed both, a lucky hand at gambling and at love. Against all odds, he needed some luck."As I told you already, this ring means everything to me. I will never abandon it. If you really want it back, you have to kill me." (1)

"But… why?"

Duo looked shortly on the ring. Then he lifted his head and looked deep into Heero's wonderful, baffled eyes. "Because I love you. I know I totally screwed up. And I know that you most probably will hate me because of this for the rest of your life. But I love you, Heero. And if I only had got this ring earlier, I would have worn it proudly and with great joy. But due to my dumbness I lost you. And if you really couldn't grant me a second chance, then I will at least wear it as memory of my biggest fault."

Even if it didn't seem possible Heero looked more astonished than ever. "You love me?" he asked, as if he had heard this confession for the first time and had yet to comprehend the meaning of it.

"Yes Heero. I. Love. You." with a soft nudge of his finger on Heero's chest Duo emphasized every word. "I've loved you from the beginning and I will do so until the end of time. Please believe me when I'm saying that this is the absolute truth. I'm sorry that I hurt you so bad. But I love you. And if you could grant me a second chance, if you could forgive me, I promise that I will make up to you. I will never hurt you again. I will never let such a stupid misunderstanding come between us. And I will tell you nothing but the truth from now on. But please, please, don't quit on us."

Something scampered over Heero's face. Duo couldn't identify what it was, but he prayed for it to be a positive sign. The cobalt blue eyes still stared at him in utter astonishment. "You love me?"

Duo answered with a short nod.

"But how could that be?" asked the Japanese with bewilderment in his voice. "How could you love me? What happened to John?"

'What the heck is Heero talking about?' Duo had no clue at all. His jaw fell down and for some seconds he didn't know what to say. "Who's John?" was the first reasonable thought he could formulate.

Heero jerked back. A dark cloud darkened his cobalt blue eyes. "You know perfectly well of whom I'm speaking, Duo! Don't think I'm stupid." Nervously Heero bit on his lower lip and snorted scornfully. "So much for the 'I will never lie again' promise."

The Wing pilot started to move away from him, but Duo stopped this with a tight grip on his shoulder. "I absolutely don't have the slightest idea what your point is, Heero. Who's this guy you are talking about?"

"I speak of John, the one you love, Duo. The one you kissed yesterday. The one you will accompany to the movies tomorrow. I heard you talking with Quatre after you returned from clubbing yesterday. I know everything! You kissed him and still claim to love me, Duo! How does this fit? Is this another 'not quite a lie' from you? How should I be sure when to trust you?

'Fuck, he knows what happened yesterday.' Duo wanted badly to scream in frustration. This couldn't happen. He had hoped that he had started to tear down the wall around Heero and now this new stumbling block showed up. Heero had listened to his chat with Quatre. 'Damn, what did I say in my intoxicated state anyway?' Duo asked himself in great concern. He hadn't the slightest idea. Damn he even didn't remember the guy at all. Less so what he had announced about their one evening.

"Heero, what gave you the stupid notion that I'm in love with this guy? I don't know him at all. I even don't remember his name. He means nothing to me. Yesterday means nothing."

Heero's face showed his disgust all too well. He shoved Duo's hand away from his shoulder. "Stop it, Duo. You just get lower and lower. How could John mean nothing to you? You kissed him! You must love him!"

Again Heero wanted to turn away and again Duo's firm grip didn't allow it. 'Damn, how should I explain this to him?' was Duo's thought. He really didn't know how to get rid of this misinterpretation.

"Heero, please. I swear by everything you want me to that the things that happened yesterday weren't as you think. They have no meaning at all. Please. I just wanted to have some fun yesterday. I was so down because of the last weeks, I just wanted to forget everything for some hours. And so I drank too much. And damn, I flirted like hell. And I kissed this guy. But THIS DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. I just wanted to feel treasured. And we only kissed, nothing more. I will never see this guy again. What gave you the impression that I am in love with him?" Duo asked desperately.

"Because you kissed him, Duo. And one only kisses the person one loves. I don't know much about love but this I know. And I knew that one shouldn't make out with someone if being in love with someone else. That's not the way it is. That is not right. So, just stop all this ridiculous protestations and your lies."

"Where the heck did you get this strange notions about love, Heero? Are you secretly reading tearjerkers?" Duo asked before he could stop his own mouth. Heero had some very strange ideas about love. Actually, Duo thought he would earn a harsh response to his stupid question, but the Japanese youth just lowered his head embarrassed.

"It seemed to be a good source for further information," Heero said in a quiet voice. "Where else should I find out something about it?"

Duo blinked in shock at Heero. Just before he could comprehend how surreal this whole conversation was he asked again, "And how many of this love romances did you read as information source?"

"One."

'Oh yeah, sure. Only Heero would come up with something like this. Read one tearjerker and you are perfectly armed for all the love struggles that could happen,' Duo grumbled in his mind. He shook his head disbelieving and tried desperately not to laugh out loud. This was surreal for sure.

But laughing wasn't an option right now. Duo didn't know if he should go deeper into this or just leave it be and concentrate on the real problem. On the other hand, if Heero's rules for love derived from on tearjerker, then it was no surprise that Heero had these strange notions. This could lead to some more problems in future – if there would be a future for them.

Duo cleared this throat and tried to gain some thoughts before he started to speak again. "Heero I don't want to destroy your whole world view, but just believe me when I tell you that you can't read just one romance as information source for love. And for sure you can't take everything from this one book as a dogma."

"Why not?"

Duo sighted deeply. "Because love is something that is totally individual. It's different for everyone. OK, there are some basic rules about it, but even they could be different for different couples. Basically each and every person must define this for themselves. Love is as different as humankind. There is no black or white; there are billions of different shades of grey. You can't expect to learn all this by reading one little book. If this would be possible, we won't need billions of different love novels. Love isn't like a computer program. The rules are not so easy and well defined." Inwardly Duo cringed. He couldn't believe what kind of bullshit he was talking. How should he convince Heero with this stupid babbling?

The Japanese youth looked more confused than ever. Again he bit nervously on his lower lip. The frown on his forehead deepened. "Does this mean that everything I know about love, that everything I did was wrong?" He shook his head in frustration. "But what is wrong then and what is right?"

'Congratulations Maxwell, you managed to confuse him even more," Duo accused himself. And he realised that they more and more walked away from the main topic. On the other hand, Heero acted confused, but this was definitely an improvement in comparison to his emotionless 'perfect soldier' mask. 'Maybe I managed to tear down the wall a bit.' And with this thought Duo decided to go on with this strategy.

With his one hand he still held Heero's shoulder in a tight grip, just to prevent him to escape, with the other he softly stroked his face. "No, please don't think that you did something in a wrong way. If for you a kiss means that you are in love, then it is right, this is one rule you decided for yourself. For me, the making out in the club didn't mean anything. But as I know now how you feel about it I will act accordingly. If you take me back. Please Heero, please, please, please. I beg you, if you still got some feelings for me, say so. I promised to always tell you the truth and my truth is that I loved you, still do and always will. So please, don't you lie to me. Tell me if you still harbour feelings for me or not. Is it possible for you to grant me a second chance?"

Cobalt blue eyes stared at him. After some long moments the Wing pilot started to speak. "These emotions, they hurt so bad, Duo. I never want this pain again."

Duo was about to sigh in despair, when he realized that despite his negative words, Heero hadn't said that he didn't love him anymore. Come to think about it, this was a hell of a lot better than the dreadful verdict from before. Maybe, just maybe he still had a chance…

Duo continued to stroke with his thumb over Heero's beautiful face. He moved with his head very close to the Japanese youth and looked him straight in the eyes. "Heero, the pain may have been a result of your feelings. But the actual reason was not your love for me but this disastrous misunderstanding. For sure we won't have had these problems without our emotions. But the misunderstanding is cleared. There is no need for us to still suffer because of it."

Duo could see Heero swallowing hard. "Does this mean that there won't be any problems if I give you another chance? Will I never get hurt again? Do you promise me this?"

"No, nobody could make this kind of promise," Duo shook his head vehemently. When he saw that Heero's eyes got clouded with pain again, he spoke on as fast as possible. "No one in the whole world could promise such a thing and tell you the truth. Heero, this would only be possible in the happy ends of your tearjerkers. I can't promise that it would never hurt again. We are only human, Heero, we all make mistakes, constantly. This is the difference between mere machines and us. So there could be another kind of misunderstanding. It would be dishonest to deny this possibility."

Duo saw that Heero was about to turn away from him, but he still held the crestfallen youth in his iron clad grip and didn't allow this movement. "But I can promise something different, Heero. I promise that I will do everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, to never wilfully hurt you again. It won't be easy, but I promise that I will try. And we both could prevent such misunderstandings by speaking with each other. If we truly speak. You see if we both had opened our mouths back then we would have prevented 10 months of despair on both sides. Love will only work if we communicate with each other. And I promise by everything you want me to that I am willing to do my part of the deal. Now it's on you Heero. Could you live with this? I am not able to promise more without lying."

Duo tensed, barley able to breath. He had said everything he could. Now it was Heero's decision once more. Duo was so agitated that he couldn't pray for a happy end. He only stared at Heero's face and just hoped that it wouldn't be for the last time.

But after a near infinite moment the wonder happened. He could see Heero slowly nodding, giving his agreement. Duo wanted to shout out loud in joy, but the Wing pilot said something first. "Duo, if you ever hurt me like this again, I will kill you."

This wasn't a new threat, but this time Duo knew that the Japanese truly meant it. "Heero, that wouldn't be necessary." He saw Heero's doubtful gaze and added. "If I ever hurt you this much, I'll kill myself. I promise."

For another infinite moment Heero just looked at him. Then he said. "I believe you."

At that moment all the dreadful tension of the last hours left Duo. Only a wonderful, warm happiness was left inside of him. With one motion he got up and pulled the astonished Japanese into his arms. After this he just let them fall down on the bed. He held Heero as tight as possible and placed feather light kisses over the face of the Wing pilot. "Thanks, oh thanks," he whispered after each kiss.

Duo pulled one of his hands out of the embrace and started to stroke Heero's face. He couldn't comprehend his luck. But this was ok; at this very moment he didn't have any time to think anyway. He looked deep into Heero's beautiful eyes and because he knew now how important this for the other was he asked almost in awe, "May I kiss you, Heero?"

Cobalt blue eyes were sparkling. Again Heero gave his consent by nodding his head. Duo sighed as he bend towards the Wing pilot. Their lips met slowly and softly. Duo tried to put all his love into this kiss. He caressed Heero's lips with his own, only the slightest tip of tongue was involved. This was a kiss of love, not of lust. The latter would have to wait.

After an eternity they broke the kiss, both panting. Totally in awe Heero stroke over Duo's back and the braid. "What will happen now?" he asked.

A wide smile covered Duo's face. "Now I am going to do something I have wanted for so long."

All of a sudden Heero tensed in his arms, and Duo wanted to kick himself for being so stupid. This urge got reinforced as he could identify something like fear and resignation in Heero's eyes. Apparently the Wing pilot read something entirely different into his words. 'Oh, shit. But by the way I treated him until now, it's no wonder that he thinks I will only use him for sex. There is a lot to make up to do."

Despite his inwardly accusations, he only showed Heero a big smile and bent down for another short, soft kiss. Again he stroked the face of the Japanese. After this he turned Heero with one swift motion so that the Wing pilot lay with his back pressed against his front. He gathered Heero into a tight embrace. His hand with the ring lay on Heero's chest, one leg was wrapped around the legs of the Japanese youth. He felt the shiver that ran through Heero's body. "I just want to hold you all night long. I wanted this so bad from the beginning. Will you allow me this?" he caressed Heero's neck with hundreds of kisses.

Directly after his words, he felt Heero relaxing into his embrace. "This would be nice," was the answer Heero presented him with. It seemed that the Wing pilot slowly started to trust him again. And Duo promised to never break this trust again. Softly he whispered into Heero's ears. "It's late and we both had had a damn exhausting day. Let's just go to sleep. All other things can wait until tomorrow."

Heero just nodded in agreement. After that he relaxed even more and snuggled against Duo. He took Duo's hand into his own and weaved their fingers together. This posture couldn't be very comfortable for Heero, but somehow Duo didn't see a point in ending their connection. And Heero for sure must have been on the end of his endurance, because after some more seconds he was sound asleep. But he didn't loosen the grip on Duo's fingers.

With a deep smile on his face Duo watched the sleeping beauty in his arms. He couldn't believe his luck. He hadn't lost Heero, against all odds he got a second chance. And this time he would make everything right. It wouldn't be easy but he would never push his love away from him.

Duo lifted the upper part of his body, just to place one more kiss on Heero's cheek. Unintentionally his gaze fell on the ring on his hand. Remarkable how much this tiny thing meant to both of them. He hadn't exaggerated when he had told Heero that he would never take off this ring again. He accepted and welcomed the meaning of this ring. He would never have guessed that he would tie the knot at this young age. But on the other hand, he would never love anybody as he loved Heero.

The quiet breathing of the sleeping youth made it hard for Duo to stay awake. 'What will happen now?' Heero had asked. Duo didn't know. But he had a list of things he had to do. Firstly he had to coddle up Heero, he would pamper him merciless until the Wing pilot would get his old strength back. He could only hope that Heero's bodily depletion hadn't caused any permanent harm.

And he had to tell Quatre and Trowa all the truth. For a brief moment a smile lay on Duo's face when he imagined the surprise on their faces when he and Heero would appear together for breakfast. He wondered if their jaws would fell down. This was an exhilarating notion.

But it wouldn't be easy to tell them both the truth, to explain about the misunderstanding. They also had hurt Heero. Sure, unintentionally and only because they believed his version of the events. But they had done it nevertheless. And it would be hard for them to accept it. Duo only hoped that they wouldn't hate him after the revelations.

And there was Wufei. He had to apologize to him because of his attitude this afternoon. This too wouldn't be easy. But Duo was no coward and he had promised to apologize. And he had to thank Wufei because he had prevented the self-destruction of Wing. And because he had ordered him to go to Heero and speak with the Japanese youth. Duo closed his eyes in torment. He didn't really want to imagine what would have happened without this order. Heero could be dead, or back under J's influence. With them both still thinking that the other didn't love him back. Without Wufei this mess could have ended badly.

But the most important task for tomorrow was that he had to obtain something for Heero. A ring, a copy of the wonderful gift he had got today. He would also present Heero with a ring. After all, that's the way things were. He snuggled closer to his love and smiling drifted into sleep.

* * *

(1) Sorry, didn't know how to translate this. In German we have a proverb saying something like „If you have bad luck in gambling you have good luck in love" and vice versa. 


End file.
